Cops

Hey, everybody loves cops right? Well, as much as we all collectively adored the heroes in New York for 9/11, I must say that my personal experience with police officers has not been all that positive. Granted, I'm dealing with mostly traffic cops, a bloodsucking breed that we could probably all do with a lot less of, rather than those that fight real crime and actually "serve and protect." God bless the good cops, but this blog is for the ones that suck. I'm not trying to generalize, but everything I'm about to write is from my own experience, so jusrede and decide for yourself.

I think the first time I got pulled over was one Friday night, 2 or 3 years ago, coming back from church with my Mom and my sister. We were stopped at a light on 75th, and I did not notice that there was a cop stopped behind me. When it turned green, I guess I accelerated a little aggressively, and the flashing lights went on. I pull over into a little parking lot, and this officer walks over.

If you can picture this scene, there was me, a nerdy Asian boy in the driver's seat, my mother next to me, and little sister in the back, all of us dressed in church clothes. I wonder what was going through this cop's mind when he saw us there, but having already pulled me over, what else could he do but come and ask for my license and try to act intimidating nonetheless? "Do you know why I pulled you over? It's a 45 zone, I clocked you going 65, son." For people who think police officers don't lie, there's simple proof that they do. I wasn't going 65, he knew it, I knew it, my mom and my sister knew it too. Maybe I wish my car could go from 0-65 in like 3 seconds and 20 ft from being stopped at a light, but that is not possible in a 4 door family sedan. Anyways, I figure he was just trying to justify his pulling me over for little more than the feeling of annoyance that someone would accelerate quickly in front of him. All I could say was "uh... I wasn't going 65." So he kind of gave me an irritated look, glanced at my license, and said "Well, slow down, Joseph", then turned around and went back to his car, probably feeling somewhat dumb. Me, my mom, and my sister were just like "umm.... ok" and continued on home thinking about what a waste of time that was. But yeah, that was my first experience being pulled over, and even though I didn't get a ticket, it left a bad taste in my mouth for traffic cops.

Unfortunately, it was my first but not my last time being pulled over. Maybe a few months later, I was coming home on Labor Day weekend (like the first few weeks after class started, is that Labor Day or Memorial Day? I can never get those two straight), and I was also taking some people in my car too. Back then, I used to take IL-47, one of those 2 lane highways where you have to pass in the oncoming traffic lane. Back then, I was also much more speedy in my driving. Anyways, I was just flying along, like I was Speedy McSpeedster or something, doing between 90-100 for most of the way (in a 55 zone). Honestly though, it was a pretty "safe" 90-100, cause I would tone it down in areas of more traffic. What, you think I'm reckless or something? It so happens that about halfway in the trip or so, I note an oncoming car, and much like I did the whole way, I slowed down to a cool 70-80. Unfortunately, this oncoming car was carrying our friend Mr. Illinois State Trooper, who happened also to have his speed radar on. In case you are wondering if a cop can track you and pull you over going the opposite direction, I am giving you the answer of an emphatic yes.

Ok, so this scrawny looking cop comes up to my window, asks for my license, that whole thing, and says "I had you clocked at 89 back there, you in a hurry to go somewhere?" So I was like, "Umm... church," which was actually true, but it doesnt matter cause this cop didn't really give a hoot (Why are people so stingy with hoots anyways? Are they that valuable, so expensive that nobody ever wants to give a hoot?). So, I was kind of in a rebellious mood, and going against my better judgement, I decided to flat out deny going 89. After all, I did slow down when I saw the cop, to under 80, like I said. This denial thing proved also to be a fruitless gesture, but what it did accomplish was to get me a warning and repair order because I didn't have a front license plate. So then I pointed out that maybe his radar reading was on someone else. Sorry, no luck here either, because he had enough space to stop, turn around, and chase me down before another car appeared. Fudgesicles.

Then, I thought I would be a badass and ask to see his radar for myself. "No problem," he said, and then he took me back to his squad car. Sure enough, it said 89. "Dammit," said I, so being the logical man I was, I followed with, "your radar must be broken or something." As you can see, I was not only logical, but stubborn and unwise as well. On the other hand, this cop was a clever one, and he proceeded to pull out these tuning fork type things. Showing me, "this one is the 25 mph fork, this one is the 45 mph fork," then he hit each of them, put it in front of the radar, and yes, to my dismay, they did ring up to show 25 and 45. For extra emphasis, he hit both of them and stuck them in front of the radar simultaneously, showing two distinct readings on two screens - I guess these modern radars are designed to be able to read the speed of more than one moving object at the same time.

I probably would have been more impressed with that snazzy feature, if it weren't for the fact that I had no more excuses and by now I was looking pretty dumb. It didn't help that I was about to get a ticket that would eventually cost me about 200 bucks and force me to drive like a grandma for 3 months under court supervision. And, I would later find out that numerous friends taking 47 that day saw me pulled over as they were passing by. It's all that stupid cop's fault.

Another kind of amusing fact about that episode was that maybe 15 minutes after getting that ticket, I passed another cop going somewhat fast. This one didn't pull me over, he just kind of shook his head and glared at me. I think Grace would remember that one since she was in the car and pointed it out to me.

Well, you won't find me admitting it, but maybe getting that ticket did cause me to drive more conservatively, cause I didn't get another ticket for almost a year. In the name of not drawing out this blog excessively, I'll summarize. The following summer in Champaign, I got a ticket for going 39 in a 30 zone on Green St. I remember in that time, the Goods was with me so he could tell you what happened. This time, the officer asked me if I was in a hurry. I was tempted to tell him we were late for some Big Macs at McDonalds, which is where we were actually going to meet the other boys, but I doubt he would have given a hoot about that. Maybe if I made up some story about my wife giving birth or something, but I'm just not clever, especially not in thinking on the fly. Plus I probably don't look like I'm married. Still, 39 in a 30?? That's pretty freaking poor. Especially considering that my last ticket was for 34 mph - over the speed limit.

Then there was the time over last Winter Break when I got into an accident at Chinatown. Some guy was flying down Archer when I made a turn onto Wentworth. Then he tried to pass me on my right, except that was where the curb and parking meters were. Anyways, we called the cops, and first of all, it took them at least like 15 minutes to arrive on the scene. When they finally got there, the officer asked me like 2 questions and then wrote me a ticket for something like "Yield Left Turn Violation". I'm pretty sure the accident wasn't my fault; it's probably more just that they didn't feel like putting much effort into investigating so, why not just write a ticket and let me take care of it myself? Thankfully, I did take this one to court and the other guy didn't even show up, so they just threw out the ticket. Again, dumb cops.

Oh, and once I was ticketed for 81 in a 65 zone, at like 10 pm on a Sunday night or something coming back from home on I-57. There were seriously like no cars remotely close to me at the time. I don't see why the cop was there to begin with. I could have been going 120 and the only one in danger would have been myself, and maybe some possums. Certainly going 81 does not really warrant a ticket in that situation, I must say. But I guess I wasn't fortunate enough to be born with a pretty face or a nice rack. What can you do, cops will be cops. Sucks for me.

Alright, since this post has been pretty much pointless drivel thus far, maybe I should provide some useful tips for everyone out there to follow.

1. When driving to U of I, take I-57, not IL-47. This saves you time and also significantly reduces the chance of being pulled over by a cop going the opposite direction. Plus there aren't as many bugs or possums to hit, and you don't have to pass in the oncoming traffic lane, which makes your passengers nervous. Still, that doesn't mean you can't get a ticket on 57. Also, BEWARE OF IROQOUIS COUNTY! That place is a death trap, do NOT speed there.

2. If you notice a cop after you pass him, slow down. You might think it is too late, and you don't want to draw attention to yourself, but sometimes cops are in a noticeable spot not so much to pull people over, but to make people slow down. The worst thing you could do is keep speeding, because that tells the cop either that you don't care, or that you aren't paying attention as a driver. The dumb thing about my 81 ticket was that I actually set the cruise control at around 81, figuring that it would help me resist the urge to go a lot faster than that (which I probably would have). I didn't think a cop would care that much about me going 81 on an empty highway, but obviously one did.

3. If you are a girl, bat your eyes and turn on the charm. If you are a guy, just be polite and pray. Maybe you should think up a story too. Like you really gotta pee or something, and you have major UTI-phobia. It's worth a try, cause he's got you caught no matter what - arguing is only gonna make it worse (see 1st story).

4. Finding a "speeding buddy" on extended highway trips is only marginally useful. Whenever possible, stay in the right or center lane, and stay just within visible range of a speeder ahead. If you see their brake lights go on, it's probably wise to slow down yourself, even if you don't know why. It's very likely that they slowed down because they noticed a cop, not to check out one of the many hot chicks we always see walking around on the highway. Still, it's a lot safer to follow people or move in packs rather than to go alone. The chances of getting nailed by an undercover cop are much greater for the first guy who passes him.

5. Speaking of undercover cops, they are getting very sneaky with these things. I personally think it's worth it to pay attention to the people pulled over in areas you drive a lot in. For example, I've seen a lot ot people caught by green Mustangs, black Camaros, and white Ford Explorers. Sneaky sneaky. Don't forget to look out for the standard unmarked white or black Ford Crown Victorias too. And I might be mistaken, but I think in the Darien/Downers Grove/Woodridge area I once saw a souped up pickup truck chasing down someone with siren and lights. Take notice.

The best way to avoid speeding tickets is not to speed. But we all know this is unrealistic. Instead, let us all do our best to cheat the system as much as possible.