DREams in Digital

If there are any girls reading this, you might want to skip this one. Seriously.

There's been a lot of commercials lately for these new drugs that are supposed to treat men's prostate problems. The two brands I see the most are Avodart and Flomax, and seriously, watching these commercials almost has me convinced that I need to see my doctor for BPH (which is somehow short for an enlarged prostate disorder, I have no idea how).

From watching the commercials, I gather that the main symptom is having to pee excessively often. Well that sure sounds familiar. Some of you may have already noticed that I'm always going to the bathroom. It's not to check my makeup or gossip about boys either.

It has been suggested to me in the past that I have a small bladder, which as you might imagine, isn't my explanation of choice. (I prefer to think of it as being because I have especially good circulation or a super efficient digestive system. That or I drink more water than everyone else.)

I'd much rather have a small bladder, though, than an enlarged prostate. I was intrigued enough on the subject of prostate disorders that I decided to do some digging on Google about it. I didn't get very far, because it isn't particularly enjoyable to read about some of the gory details on the subject.

But one thing I did learn, though, is that the common procedure for doctors to check for prostate problems is called a "Digital Rectal Exam". Most of us have probably heard of rectal exams, and they don't sound too fun do they. I am definitely not looking forward to getting those when I get older, to say the least.

But anyways, when I first saw mention of a test called the "Digital Rectal Exam", it gave me some hope. When I hear the word "digital", certain things come to mind. I think about digital music, digital cable TV, digital watches, digital tuning on your radio. Basically, I associate any "digital" stuff with modern technology, advanced electronics, etc.

So the first thought that came to mind was, hey, maybe someone came up with a nice, non-intrusive way to examine my prostate. Like some sort of mini X-ray or MRI or something that "digitally" scans that region of your body for abnormalities that does not involve poking at the rectum, I'm all for it.

I gotta be honest, I am all for any procedure that provides an alternative to rectum-pokage. It's like when you're a kid and you find out that you can take a vaccine in pill form, instead of getting a painful shot. Except multiplied by a factor of about 100, because shots only last a fraction of a second, and aren't nearly as emasculating.

Unfortunately, my excitement didn't last very long, as I did some more investigating into this so-called "Digital Rectal Exam". Turns out that in this case, the word "digital" was not used to describe an advanced electronic test at all. Nope, they meant "digital" as in the lesser used, definition #2 (reference Dictionary.com):

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=digital

Dig-i-tal
2. Operated or done with the fingers

So basically, the "Digital Rectal Exam" is just a fancier name for that same rectal exam we all hear nightmare stories about. Guess there's no escaping your friendly doctor's finger. All I could say is, wow. Who would have thought that in this "Digital Age" that we live in, they could call something "digital" and have it not be even remotely related to electronics? Maybe a better question is, who even calls fingers "digits" anymore? What are we, in 18th century England? And while we're at it, is there such thing as an "Analog Rectal Exam"? I shudder to think of what that might entail. (Okay I know, now I've gone too far. Sorry.)

Anyways, as I came to this cruel realization, I pondered whether the decision to call rectal exams "digital" was some elaborate joke played on the male population. In all likelihood, by the same man-hating lesbian who invented catheters. All I know is, the next time I see my old college roommate Ray, I will surely urge him to press his employers at GE Medical Systems to make "electronic rectal examinations" their highest research priority.

In the meantime, I guess it's digital rectal exams for all of us guys. That, and we'll have to maybe put up with taking some of these fancy drugs they're advertising. The good news is that apparently the only side effects they have are minor - such as "decrease in semen" (who needs semen anyways), or "fainting from standing up" (hey that sounds kinda fun actually). I think I saw "impotence" thrown in there too, for good measure.

Hmmm... in hindsight, I probably should have advised guys to skip this blog too. Oh well, too late now. If you would like to read more about Digital Rectal Exams (also known as the DRE, I'm guessing it's named after the doctor who invented it, the same guy produced Snoop Dogg and Eminem's rap careers, if I'm not mistaken), here are some more links:

http://www.webmd.com/hw/colorectal_cancer/hw4404.asp

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_rectal_exam

http://www.flomax-bph.com/jsp/toolsResources/ToolsResourcesController.jpf