Before I post my sappy blog, I wanted to congratulate Chras on being the latest to join us in the world of the 9-5. All I can say is, YOU THE FREAKIN MAN and I'm very happy for you, biatch.
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The Season of Change
The temperature is dropping, days are getting shorter, and soon enough, the leaves will change color and litter our yards. It's time for guys to put away the sandals and break out the jacket, for girls to pack up their tank tops and skirts for the light sweaters and pants. *tear* Baseball season is winding down, just as football season starts to pick up steam. Meanwhile, students from K through 12 through Ph.D are just now settling into the new school year. The season of change is upon us.
I've always liked the fall, the weather is nice, I always seem to meet a lot of people during this time, and there's just a pleasant feeling in the air. But this year, I'm finding it difficult to let go of the summer and move ahead. I don't think I'm ready to welcome in the new season just yet.
Thinking about the past few months, I'd have to say that the summer of '03 has treated me well. It might not have been the most exciting or eventful time of my life, but that's not to say it won't be memorable. Without going anywhere exotic, taking up a new hobby, or ever even taking a day off from work, I nevertheless enjoyed what I can honestly say is one of the best summers I have ever had, if not the best hands down.
Whether it's my imagination, or by coincidence, or by self-fulfilling prophecy, it feels as though the this time of seasonal change is also signalling a time for certain things in my life, both big and small, to change. Almost as if Mother Nature is running ahead of me, looking back and saying "I'm going forward with or without you. Are you coming or not?"
Change is a funny thing. Newton's first law of motion tells us that an object at rest will stay at rest, unless acted upon my some force. Often times, I feel as though I'm that "object at rest". Ever since I was little, it's been in my nature to resist change. My dad tells me that while other kids always got sick of their toys quickly, tossed them aside and wanted new toys, I would usually find one that I really liked and never let it go. I also had a blanket once that got so old, the edges frayed and the stuffing began to come out. My mom tried repeatedly to make me throw it away, but instead, I figured out how to sew and ended up stitching the edges myself. I think it wasn't until my family moved to Taiwan in my freshman year of high school, that I was finally forced to give up my tattered blanket. Otherwise, you might still be seeing me with a worn out, crudely sewn, kid-sized blanket on my bed, desperately trying to cover myself with it and stay warm at night.
The flip side of Newton's first law, of course, is that an object in motion will stay in motion, again unless acted upon by some force. I know people who fit this description of an "object in motion" as well. These people fully expect changes to come, and freely embrace them when they do. They'll move from place to place, change girlfriends (or boyfriends) and roommates regularly, switch majors every year in college, then get bored with one job after another when they reach the working world. As much as I think my life could use some of that kind of excitement, it's just not me. Quite simply, I don't like change.
Well, I guess there's no law that says when summer ends and fall begins, your own life has to change. Yet there's no avoiding the fact that at this age in particular, very few things in life ever stay the same, if any at all. At the job, I've almost become used to people being hired, let go, or moved around as a routine. In my cube alone, I've already seen maybe 5 or 6 different configurations with different people sitting here in less than one year. I myself have worked on 4 different programs, and just recently was shifted to a whole other department to boot.
In my living situation, I have no immediate plans to move, but my original informal "lease" with Brian was 6 months minimum, and that's coming up in October. My parents have been quietly pushing me to find a permanent house for myself all along, but I guess I'd always put off thinking about it. I know it's a wise thing to do for the long term, but I'd always make excuses. "What if I get laid off in a year?" "What if I want to go back to school?" And of course there's my favorite, "let's just wait and see, and I'll think about it later".
Coincidentally or not, that's precisely the kind of motto that seems to go along with my view of summer - "I'll worry about it later". Maybe that's what I've always loved about summer, not so much the warm weather or the long days or the time off from school, but the feeling like I have not merely an excuse, but a God-given right to procrastinate for a few months. Maybe that's why I don't want to leave this summer behind, because I dread the feeling of responsibility that I've come to associate with the arrival of fall.
Again, I look back on the past few months and find that I didn't do much at all. The voice of that guy in Office Space always pops into my mind: "I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I hoped it would be". Of course, I worked hard at my job (when I wasn't writing blogs), but other than that, I can't say that I accomplished a whole lot besides that during this time. Knowing in the back of my mind that I should have been thinking more about my future, making some decisions, and actively working to improve myself, I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I did none of those things. What I did do was watch a lot of TV, wash my car a few times, see a bunch of movies, and basically just hang out with my friends. Not that any of those things are terrible or worthy of shame, and in fact those are the exact things that make me feel like this was such an awesome summer. But I also need to be honest with myself in admitting that I've been using all these things as a distraction from the serious stuff for too long now. I definitely know I can't say "I'll worry about it later" for the rest of my life.
Eventually, the time comes when "later" turns into "now". Which takes me back to the bittersweet feeling I'm currently experiencing as the "season of change" arrives. I don't know exactly what it is that makes me feel like it's time to get serious. Maybe it's seeing my sister and all the other students headed back to school for another year of learning. Maybe it's the long, cold winter looming ahead as a menace I need to somehow prepare to face. Maybe it's the fact that a baseball schedule of daily games is being soon replaced by a football schedule of Sunday and Monday night games only - perhaps a subtle hint that I have no more excuse to not be taking care of other stuff during the rest of the week? Whatever it is, I get the undeniable feeling that "play time is over".
Life's not gonna get easier from here on out. My dad has always told me as much, but I always figured "I'll worry about it later". Only now am I starting to understand this fact.
Summer of 2003, so sad to see you go.
