Bathroom Etiquette

Today in the bathroom at work I was washing my hands when a guy walked in with a magazine. I thought he was gonna go to a stall and read it while going #2, but no, he went to a urinal and and started peeing, while continuing to read his magazine. Personally, I have never ever seen anything like that. The idea of a guy standing up with a magazine one hand and his pee-pee in the other and urinating away is both funny and disturbing at the same time.

If I was more of a jackass, I should have just turned around and paid attention to whether he put down his magazine or even looked away from his reading to make sure he avoided that deadly "Something About Mary" zipper disaster. But, being the discrete individual I am, I settled for surreptitious glances using the mirror while pretending to give my hands an extra rinse.

Men's bathrooms are a sensitive area, there are many Dos and Don'ts when you are in such a place. Actually, there are many more don'ts that I can think of. As long as you make sure to flush, and shut the door when you take a dump, that pretty much will cover the Dos. The Don'ts are a little trickier.

For example, you never, ever start a conversation with a stranger in the bathroom. Even if it is your best friend, it would be questionable. There is just something inherently weird about talking to the guy next to you out of the blue while you both are peeing. Maybe even a little gay, but it doesn't matter if you are talking about Prada shoes and the latest episode of Will & Grace, or if you are discussing hunting rifles and Monday Night Football, all such banter is unacceptable. The golden rule of inter-urinal conversation is: let the guy next to you pee in peace, just as you would want him to let you pee in peace.

In most cases, this rule is much less stringent for the handwashing or paper-towel-retrieving portion of your bathroom visit. Still, be careful not to venture too far beyond a nod of acknowledgement and a neutral "what's up" and only when eye contact is made.

Choosing a urinal is also a touchy issue. It is never acceptable to take a spot when the one next to it is already being used, if there are other options available. You gotta give people their space or else they will feel threatened. When you walk into the bathroom, the initial scan is critical. You must quickly note the quantity and location of the urinals and stalls, as well as the setup and features of the particular bathroom. Doing so allows you to act accordingly and avoid bathroom faux pas.

When you hear someone accidentally rip one while peeing, or is experiencing a particularly messy #2, resist all urges to laugh out loud. It could turn out to be some huge guy that will take exception to your reaction and bash your face in. Even if it isn't, just be considerate and put yourself in his place; how would you feel in that situation? Now if you absolutely must, snicker quietly to yourself, but the best solution is to hold your childish glee and tell your friends about the moment later.

If you are sitting in a stall doing your thing and someone takes the one next to you, do NOT try to look at the guy's shoes and pants to figure out who it is. There is a good chance that he might be doing the same thing. Won't you both look stupid if you end up seeing each other at that point? Anyways, just mind your own business. Finish your duty and get on out of that place, who cares about who is sitting in the stall next to you.

Speaking of which, determining when to get out of the stall is another important situation which you have to handle correctly. When there are not very many other people in the bathroom with you, it is fairly quiet and the potential for awkwardness is at a maximum. One of the last things you wanna do is to flush at the same time as someone else and get out of your stall in sync with another guy doing the same. The awkwardness is multiplied when you gotta use the sink or the hand dryer at the same time as someone else. It's much better when someone clearly deserves the sink before or after you, and everything else follows in a logical fashion.

To avoid this strategic blunder, I recommend that you "finish up" as loudly as possible. While you try to muffle the sound of taking a dump itself, you do the opposite when it comes to tearing the toilet paper, buckling your belt, etc. This way, other people will hopefully respect the fact that you are claiming the right to flush and exit into the open area. It's kind of like signaling when you merge onto the highway, a simple act can save so much confusion or trouble.

Some people fail to recognize this act, but they are mostly ignorant. This is why you have to be vigilant yourself in paying attention to bathroom noises. The toilet-paper-tear is a dead giveaway, however, don't overlook the subtler sounds which can mean the same thing. If there is any doubt, just sit on that toilet a while longer to make sure.

Making a little noise while in a stall is a good act of courtesy in general. A lot of people don't follow my simple rule of scanning the bathroom as the first thing when entering a bathroom. Yet, it is important that they know someone is in there with them, albeit hidden in one of the back stalls. If not, they might be a little careless with letting loud farts rip or start humming a Justin Timberlake song. The result would be an embarrasing moment when he finds out that he was not alone in the room as you flush and leave your stall to see him checking himself out in the mirror. So, within the first 5 seconds of someone coming into the bathroom, you have to make some sound to let him know you're there. Any little grunt, throat-clearing, or foot shuffling will do, as long as you do it before he does something dumb. Like I said, make your noise within the first 5 seconds and you should be ok.

There are other lesser known rules, but these are the most important. I didn't make them up either, ask most socially-conscious guys and they will tell you the same kind of stuff. But a lot of people surprisingly fail to realize the fact that the bathroom is one of the few sensitive places for guys. It's the last place you want to get careless in. Think about it, for many animals, males pee to mark their territory. It's a very personal act. You don't have to be scared to go to the bathroom, all I'm saying is, be respectful and smart when you're there.