Trimming the Alphabet
The more I think about it, our alphabet has too many letters. I think we should get rid of some of them, for simplicity's and efficiency's sake. Like, is it really necessary to have both a "C" and a "K"? They make the exact same sound, and could pretty much be interchangeable for 99% of the words in the English dictionary. Would anyone really care if they had to change the way they spelled "kangaroo" to "cangaroo"? I know I wouldn't. In the process, it might also serve as a nice push to all the Kathys and Cathys out there to start standardizing the spelling of their names. I'm fed up with trying to guess how to spell out your stupid name, so from now on, you're all gonna use "Cathy", got it?
Beyond eliminating the letter "K", I'd propose that we could probably just cut off the last few letters entirely. I mean, there's a reason they come last in the song, you know? Seriously, how many words really need "V", "X", "Y", or "Z" to survive? I'll admit, "W" is pretty cool sometimes, so I guess it can stay for now. But usually, you can replace any of those little guys with other letters or letter combinations and no one will even notice. Even if you can't, there are always ways around the problem. Can't figure out how to accomodate "Zebra"? Just make up a new word using the ample number of letters remaining in the pool, or better yet, how about just calling those things what they really are - "Striped Horses"? There's an idea to chew on.
A lot of you are probably reading and thinking, "this guy is out of his mind". Well, scoff if you want, but if I ever get to be President, you'll see these changes soon enough. Just think about how much time is being wasted by elementary school kids learning to write. If you could shave off just 5 letters out of 26, that's a savings of almost 20%, in terms of time spent tracing those stupid workbooks and learning the phonics that go with each letter. Factor in the additional time they spend learning cursive, or how much time they could save in the process of learning to type on a simplified keyboard, and these savings start to really pile up.
It's no secret that the United States has become a dominant superpower both economically and politically, and this is due in no small part to the relative simplicity of its alphabet dynamic. Consider the Chinese language, with over 30 sounds in its alphabet and multiplied by 4 intonations. What a disadvantage it must be have the burden of all these needlessly complex linguistics! Other countries, such as Germany or Spain, continue to carry foolhardy baggage in their respective languages in the form of umlauts and that little squiggly line over the "n". By comparison, the 26 basic sounds in English without any of that modifier nonsense is quite efficient already. But in today's ultra-competitive international market, Americans need as much of an edge on the rest of the world that they can get. And a simple way to stay ahead of the game is to tighten the reins on letter usage.
As it should be apparent by now, the benefits to downsizing our alphabet are both numerous and significant. Until I make it to the White House, though, we may be deprived of these changes while the rest of the world passes us by. In the meantime, I urge everyone out there to contact their local legislator and push for a smaller but better alphabet.
