Sick Blog

One thing I've noticed over the years is that some of my most revealing moments of mental clarity seem to come when I'm sick. I don't know what it is, maybe it's a physiological thing where chemicals react to open up parts of my brain to function differently than normal, as my immune system takes over. Maybe it's the practical aspect of being forced to lie in bed, quietly and without distraction from TV, computer, or phone. Or maybe I'm not really thinking better, and I'm just mistaking delerious thoughts for clarity.

Anyways, as you may have assumed by now, I've been sick the last few days. Mostly just fever-like symptoms, but it did get bad enough at one point that I had to take time off from work, which I almost never do. At the risk of boring everyone else to the point that they start feeling sick from reading this, I thought I'd share some of the thoughts I had this time while fighting and recovering from my illness:

- Things in life have to change. This can be good or it can be bad. People often say "all good things must come to an end", and to be honest, I'm still not sure whether or not this statement is entirely true. But if it is true, well, I think it also has to mean that "all bad things must come to an end" as well. We just tend to not think of it that way as much.

- On the other hand, I forget which law of thermodynamics talks about entropy, but I'm learning more about how this applies to life. (For those who forgot all their chemistry, the concept of entropy basically says that the universe always heads toward disorder, unless extra energy is added to the situation. The example always used is that your bedroom always gets messier, unless you put in the work to clean it up).

As I think everyone our age would agree, life only gets tougher as you get older. The decisions you make become more and more critical, making every choice that much more stressful. The experiences you go through leave you with emotional baggage that never goes away, they only add up on top of one another. Financially, your expenses only get more burdensome and even though your salary grows, it gets harder and harder to save.

I often wish I could go back 5 years to being 21 again. But to borrow some words from Andy, life isn't like a video game. There's no reset button where you can start over whenever you want. Would be nice though.

- I also have to remind myself more lately, that money isn't everything. I know that it plays an important role in our society, and I'm not saying we should all become hippies. By the way, I'm not just talking about "cash moneeey" (cue Wilmer Valderrama), but materialism in general.

One thing I appreciate about my parents is that, even though they are Asian, and stereotypically stingy, they always raised me and my sister to not be too obsessed with money. I've always thought that one of the worst things that could happen to someone is for him/her to let their possessions own them. Though it should seem obvious, that the money we earn and the things we buy are there for our sake, the roles get reversed pretty easily and we end up becoming slaves to our possessions more frequently that it should happen.

Sometimes, with how much we spend on certain things, certain luxuries, we forget that these material goods are only objects. They may bring us temporary satisfaction but in the end, they can also cause us to lose track of things that are more important. Often times, like when I watch Cribs, I wonder if people simply spend money lavishly to distract themselves from what their heart truly longs for. Is each fancy car or added wing to their mansion merely another diversion to last them till the next?

And I guess that's what I fear about "letting your possessions own you". It becomes a problem when the monetary value of something overrules your better judgement and starts dictating the decisions you make. Deep down, I've always thought that I could have all the money in the world, all the luxuries that money could buy, but if it came at the cost of the values I was raised on, or caused me to lose certain people I loved, then I would never ever be happy.

I just hope I don't forget that. It gets tougher when you think about how hard you work for the money you make, how long it takes to save up those dollars, and how much some things you want are going to cost you. I'm pretty sure every one of us has at one point thought to themselves, "gosh, if I only had an extra $20K in my bank account, that would solve so many problems".

Would it, though? I mean, if every extra dollar you come across gets immediately sucked up by a new expense, what's the point? As Notorious BIG would say, the mo' money you come across, the mo' problems you see. It's up to us to recognize when enough is enough and take back control from material idols, nobody else can decide that for you. Eventually I'll probably write a full length blog on the downfalls of money, but I'll leave it at that for now.

- Taking a random 90 degree turn here, I was thinking about how a lot of the top actors in Hollywood are short. Tom Cruise is probably the first example that comes to mind, but I think a lot of other lead stars are shorter than we think. One that especially surprised me was Kiefer Sutherland, who I heard is only like 5'6 or so, and can only have other short actors/actresses cast in 24 so it doesn't make him look too small.

You'd think that in a cutthroat industry like the movie industry, casting would be so demanding that only the people who have all the "best" physical attributes could ever make it to the top. I know that a lot of it has to do with connections, but still. By any logical standard in showbusiness, being short has no advantage over being tall, at least when it comes to actors who play typical male lead roles. And I'm sure there's plenty of tall people out there who are good looking enough to audition for these same spots.

So it made me wonder if this phenomenon is a case of Napoleon Complex in modern day Hollywood? In other words, are these short actors succeeding in the industry because they've worked much harder than their taller counterparts, in order to compensate for their height? Has their "handicap" of being short caused them to pursue these roles more aggressively, hone their acting skills more diligently, and perhaps "whore" themseleves out more to make up for shortcomings?

Same explanation might apply to other areas, like ugly people succeeding in the radio world, or blind people becoming great musicians. Although the term "Napoleon Complex" tends to bear negative connotation, I'd argue that it might not be such a bad thing. So what if you are born with a disadvantage, and it causes you work harder, allows you to focus more on the things you are good at? It could result in success that you might have otherwise missed out on by the complacency of feeling like you're fine as it is. Of course, this is all good, assuming that your idea of "success" is not "starting wars and causing millions of unnecessary deaths in the late 18th-early 19th century".

(By the way, I found it interesting, as I was doing some additional reading on Napoleon Complex, that origin of the term was based on the assumption that Napoleon was unusually short, which was actually not true. By the typical standards of his day, Napoleon was of average height. So I guess he wasn't overcompensating for being short, the man was just a jerk who happened to also be a military genius.)

- The best part of getting sick, of course, is when you start to get better. You're still maybe a little groggy, muscles still sore, but you know your body is winning the battle and better times are ahead. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure endorphins come into play here too. But it's uplifting not only physically - it's a great feeling mentally and emotionally too.

When I was driving home for lunch today, that's exactly how I felt. Still not 100%, but feeling good, even happier and more upbeat than when I am fully healthy. I know it sounds stupid and cheesy, but I compare it to a sunrise. The sun's not fully out, as it would be at high noon, and it's still fairly dark, but the view of the rising sun is more beautiful than anything. The long night made you appreciate the beauty of daylight that much more, and it feels even better because you know you have the whole day ahead of you to enjoy.

Being sick is the same way. When your head is throbbing, vision a little blurry, you're shivering and burning up simultaneously, and your stomach is turning itself inside out, those are all reminders of how nice it would be to be healthy again. As much as I hate the cliche, "puts things in perspective", that's really what it is. All those things that stress you out normally, worries and self-inflicted headaches from every day life, they all become much less significant.

Maybe it really is just those endorphins acting, or maybe it's prolonged delerium from the fever. But I really feel like nothing can bring me down, as bad as things may get in my little world. Things may not always go the way I think they should, or the way I want them to, but right now I can say "whatever happens, happens", and feel a renewed sense that everything will work out fine in the end. I guess sometimes, even being sick isn't such a bad thing after all.

But I'm just glad to be back, baby.