New Years Resolutions

I didn't notice very many people talking about their 2003 resolutions on their blogs/xangas. Even though I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, I am usually kind of interested to hear what kind of stuff people come up with and see how long it lasts for them.

Maybe everyone is lacking the creativity to think of their own resolutions these days, so I have a few suggestions for all my readers, as a special dudo509 blogspot treat. Feel free to print out any or all of the following and tape them on your wall or whatever, if you decide to take on a resolution listed below.

DISCLAIMER: These are only suggestions! Adopt and use at your own discretion and risk. I take no responsibility if you get lung cancer, lose your job, or just plain turn into a fat smelly sack after following any of these resolutions.

1. Show up later to work each day - Time is of the essence, they say, and I couldn't agree more. My time is precious to me; the more I have, the more I can sleep, play Starcraft, or watch TV. So this resolution is designed to help me maximize the time I have to myself by shaving off unneccessary time spent at the job.

The first thing I'll try is to arrive 6 minutes later each day. Simple math tells me that this alone will save me half an hour per week. Now, if I should be so bold, maybe the next step will be to show up 6 minutes late and leave 6 minutes early, saving me a grand total of 1 hour/wk. Eventually, I might have the gongs to make it up to 12 minutes each way. That amounts to 2 hours of savings which I could use for any of the above activities listed! It all adds up, as you can see.

2. Watch more TV - You know, that television set downstairs has been pretty neglected these days. Sure, I already spend all weekend watching football, not to mention Monday nights, and I also watch ESPN and ESPN2 pretty often too. But unfortunately, this leaves out plenty of other quality programming. For starters, it's a pretty disturbing thought to me when I ponder how many Jennifer Lopez and B2K videos I've probably been missing lately, just by failing to watch enough MTV.

Well, all that's gonna change starting right now. I'm gonna kick my TV-watching repertoire up a big notch across the board, whether it's MTV, VH1, BET, ESPN Classic, or Comedy Central we're talking about, as well as the basic channels like ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and the WB.

Since I won't be able to catch everything, I'm gonna first try to focus on those reality dating shows. You know, like Dismissed, Elimi-Date, The 5th Wheel, stuff like that. Those shows rock. And after that, I guess I'll just squeeze in whatever else I can.

3. Eat more fast food - Throughout the years, it's always been a constant struggle to obtain enough calories in my daily diet. No matter how many fruits and vegetables or lean white meat I eat, it inevitably seems as if I'm just barely meeting the requirements set by my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR). This has become more than an annoyance in lifestyle, it's simply unacceptable.

So, after doing a little bit of research, I have found the solution: fast food. Consider the fact that most people's BMR falls in the range of 1000-2000 food calories, depending on weight and exercise. Now, if you get a Big Mac and large fry at McDonalds, thats like 1000 right there. If you Super-size that shiznit and add a Coke, you're pretty much set for the day, right? For me, I resolve to eat such a meal twice a day, just to make sure I'm getting enough calories, but you could probably still get by with just one of these meals per day, and go back to your vegetable and fruits crap for your other meals to patch up the rest.

The only problem is, I might get sick of eating McDonalds. Well, I guess if this happens, there's always Burger King, KFC, Taco Bell, White Castle, Wendy's, etc. Just an endless assortment of similar restaurants surrounds us all. What a great country we live in!

4. Shower less - The utilities bill has been steadily growing the past few months, so starting this year, I've resolved to do something about it. Effective right now, I am gonna cut my showering frequency in half. Think about how much water we waste by taking unneccessary showers, and how much you could potentially save just by doing this one simple act.

But the savings don't end there. Half as many showers means half as much shampoo, conditioner, and soap used. It also mean you change your clothes half as frequently, meaning you will save yourself from doing laundry nearly as often as you do now. You see, the hidden savings are plentiful. It's like a chain reaction, one good deed begets another. If you've ever seen Pay It Forward, you probably know exactly what I mean. (I've never seen that movie, but I'm just guessing here)

5. Take up smoking - This year, I'd like to pick up the habit of cigarettes. I've gone too long in life without that sweet nectar they call nicotine. Reasonably, within a year I should be up to at least a pack a day, if not more. Once I become a more advanced and experienced smoker, my next resolution may be to start smoking weed. After that, who knows? Perhaps one day you'll see me on the street as a crackhead, if all goes well.

6. Drive more aggressively - 1 hour and 40 minutes is way too much time to be spending on the road each day. By cutting more people off, accelerating more forcefully, and using the ofter overlooked path they call the "shoulder" to pass traffic in rush hour, I hope to cut my daily commute time to about 1 hour and 38 minutes.

But time saved is not the only benefit. Driving like a jackass will make me look cooler and more dangerous, which in turn attracts more fine women. I'm thinking, if I can follow through with my resolution to take up smoking, I can also smoke in the car and toss cigarettes out the window while I'm on the road, in order to increase my cool factor even more. Maybe on lucky days, the cigarette will end up flying into the face of a toddler playing on the side of the road and burn him. Won't I be the ultimate bad boy then?

You might say that overly aggressive driving leads to decreased safety. Well, that may be true, but according to a wise man named Greg, "Being safer is good, but not as good as looking cool. A good motto for life." haha

7. Use more curse words - Will Smith doesn't cuss in his songs, but Eminem does. Now look who's more successful? It's easy to see from this example that the more swearing you do, the cooler and more popular you will become. So, this year will be the year that I beceome as nasty as I wanna be. I'm quite confident that I can keep this resolution, when I think about how simple it is to add profanity to my normal everyday conversation. For example, "I'm gonna return the video" could easily become "I'm gonna return the F-ing video." See how that works? It just takes some practice.

For now, I'm just gonna focus on expanding my vocabulary by the basic 4-letter words, but someday I hope to incorporate and more complex expressions of vulgarity. After that, maybe I'll even throw in some racial/ethnic slurs here and there as well. Baby steps, though, baby steps.