Focus

The biggest problem in my life right now, I've decided, is a lack of focus. This is not something that I'm used to, I think one thing I've always been blessed with is the luxury of maintaining a simple life and keeping my mind from becoming too cluttered that I can't think straight. But for whatever reason, I feel like in the past few weeks my whole head has become clouded and I'm lost in a maze or something.

I'm convinced that part of it is the weather. Yeah, it's nice that it's getting warmer, but all the changing temperatures and humidity and barometric pressures or whatever are really messing with my body. I'm having random bouts with headaches and colds for no reason - nothing major, just stupid little things that nag at you and distracts you from everything else you do throughout the day.

The other problem I can think of is that my "Things to Do" list has grown exponentially in the past month or so. I know that's an exaggeration, but I used to be able to keep track of everything I had to do in my mind. Now, I've actually found myself having to keep a literal "Things to Do" list, in the "Tasks" section of my Outlook Express. Maybe part of it is because my brain isn't as sharp as before, but I'm sure it's also because my life is getting so full of things to do that it's simply overwhelming me in some cases.

My situation at work has also left me feeling pretty scattered. I've had to shift from one project to another such that almost every day I'm working on something different, with a different manager. Now, the good thing about my job is that no matter how busy I am, I pretty much never have to bring any of it into the rest of my life. Even if I wanted to, they probably wouldn't let me take out any of the proprietary or classified documents to work on anyways (Ross: FINE BY ME!!). But still, I do find that it's draining to have to split my attention between a bunch of projects, more so than working on one or two things full time.

Whatever it is that's robbing me of my focus, it's not good. Like I said in the beginning, focus is something that I'm used to and without it, I can't seem to function the same. For example, throughout almost 2 years of writing in this blog, I've rarely had any problem just sitting down and typing out an entry at a random whim. But in the past few weeks, every time I try to write something, I either can't put my thoughts together to start, or I can't continue and complete my thoughts to the point of having something good (or that makes sense) enough to post. It's not like I don't have anything to write about - in fact, there's a lot of stuff I've been excited about (baseball opening day on Tuesday, Britney Spears concert July 17th, Illini in the Sweet 16). I just can't seem to clear my head long enough to write about it.

Another area where I can feel myself suffering is my poker game. It sounds dumb, but when you're not focused, it really does manifest itself in how you play cards. So many times I'll know what I should do in a situation, but I just don't do it. Sometimes I'll still win, but when I lose, I end up blaming it on bad luck or bad cards. I never used to blame the cards no matter how bad they were, but now even when I know deep down I wasn't playing well, I choose to blow it off on luck. That's so stupid because I know for a fact that I can get better, if only I'd just challenge myself to do so (instead of being satisfied with blaming things that I can't control).

Anyways, I wish I knew how I could clear my head and regain the ability to think straight. I hate feeling like I don't have control of my own brain, but that's exactly how it feels right now. Maybe I need to spend more quiet time alone. Or maybe I need to work out more. Or maybe I should sleep more (I like that idea). Or maybe it's just a phase I'm going through.

I guess I should be glad that it's not really stress I'm worried about here. And it's not really like I'm overly busy either, just a little disorganized and confused in general. So I don't think it's that big of a deal at this point. I just hope that I can pull it all together soon and start feeling a sense of being normal again.