ESPN the Universe

On a typical day, my clock radio alarm goes off in the morning to Mike and Mike on AM 1000. Once I'm awake enough to reach for the TV remote, I turn on the TV which is usually set to ESPN or ESPN 2 (from the night before). As I'm getting ready for work, I boot up my computer and open a web browser whose home page is set at ESPN.com.

As I head to work, it's more Mike and Mike on the car radio. Throughout the day, I'm periodically checking ESPN.com for updated news stories and articles. Lunch time is especially a time I like to read the latest Sports Guy article and/or blog at my desk. Or if I go out for lunch, I usually end up listening to Dan Patrick on the car ride there.

After work, it's more ESPN. If it's not Baseball Tonight, Sportscenter, NFL Live, or a good game on ESPN, it's World Series of Poker coverage, the Hot Dog eating contest, or Stump the Schwab on ESPN 2. Even ESPN Classic gets some play once in a while. Sprinkle in more browsing of ESPN.com on my computer. Even when I'm in the bathroom, none other than ESPN the Magazine serves as reading material.

That can't be healthy, right? I mean, I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'm going through ESPN overload right now.

What bothers me is that I don't even think ESPN is that great anymore, yet I still find myself watching, listening, browsing, and read as if it were a religion.

I can't stand half the personalities on TV, first of all. Woody Paige and Skip Bayless on Cold Pizza are a downright joke. Sean Salisbury is a loudmouthed know-it-all, and why should we take him seriously to begin with, considering he was never anything more than a mediocre backup QB? Don't even wanna talk about Steven A. Smith, quite frankly. Mike Greenberg on Mike and Mike really annoys me for some reason, and Dan Patrick's show is borderline unlistenable at times, how he constantly beats dead subjects into the ground. It actually makes me miss Jim Rome, to be honest.

The more general trends I'm seeing with ESPN are disturbing too. I think I've written before about how there's too many shows like PTI and Around the Horn, where all they do is argue for the sake of arguing. Seriously, I get the feeling that none of these "experts" actually have a real opinion, they're all just trying to create a spectacle to get attention.

Not only that, but it seems like they rarely talk about the actual sports anymore. It always seems to be off the field stuff. Steroids, player salaries, legal problems, personal feuds, the list goes on. Whatever happened to discussing X's and O's on the basketball court? Breaking down defensive coverage schemes or offensive formations on the football field? Analyzing a batter's or pitcher's weaknesses in the baseball diamond?

I know it's because that stuff doesn't attract as much ratings, but I guess that just means that I'm in the minority as far as the way I feel. From what I remember, ESPN wasn't always like this. I used to think Sportscenter was such a fresh show, and looked forward to watching every night because all of the anchors seemed genuine and likeable. The show was lighthearted and simple, and to me, that's what a sports network should be like, because that is the nature of sports.

Sure, there are many things about the sports world that transcend into the "real" world, and it's not wrong to observe that now and then. But in the end, we're still talking about a game. And the great thing about sports as a game is that it provides a temporary escape and release from life's more serious side.

My point is, there are already plenty of news media outlets that are supposed to discuss politics, economics, legal issues, that kind of stuff. Can't we have just one channel that just talks about pure unadulterated sports?

I picture some high-powered executive just walked into ESPN's corporate offices one day and said to everybody in the boardroom:

"We need to squeeze out as much profit as we can from this company. Having two TV channels isn't enough. We need ESPN Deportes, ESPN Classic, ESPN U, and the Ocho. And now that we have all these channels, we obviously will need to come up with more shows to fill up our programming schedule. Let's give Steven A. Smith his own talk show. Let's make a whole bunch of reality shows and game shows like MTV does. Don't forget to explore all adjacent markets with shows such as ESPN Hollywood.

Besides TV, make sure to expand into radio, magazines, even restaurants. Our website definitely needs to maximize its profitability as well. Let's make people pay for the same articles they used to read for free, and call it 'Insider'. Also, Page 2 isn't enough of a divergence from sports, so create Page 3. Finally, use the most intrusive ads possible because they pay the most, even if it does piss off a lot of people."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everything ESPN has added in the past few years is bad. I mean I liked "Teammates" and "Stump the Schwab", and as I said before, every once in a while there's a game on ESPN Classic that's definitely worth watching.

But overall, I think it's simply become too much. Like when I walked into ESPN Zone a few weeks ago and found myself surrounded by mugs, t-shirts, jerseys, just about everything emblazoned with the ESPN logo and overpriced to boot. Or when I flip on the TV and see AC Slater hosting a show that really belongs on the E! Network. And when they actually have made up "cartoons" on ESPN.com (I'm not talking about the Sports Guy cartoon or Off-Mike either, there's one that's actually completely fictional), it's clearly going too far.

Which brings me back to my question of why I continue to let ESPN dominate my life, despite the fact that I don't even like it that much anymore. Maybe it's because the alternatives suck more. Like Mike and Mike might not be the greatest morning radio show out there, but at least it doesn't make me want to pour acid in my own ears, which is the urge I get everytime I happen to listen to Drex in the Morning for more than a couple minutes.

Anyways, if there's anything I learned from the whole Terrell Owens saga of last week, it's that ESPN has taken too big a chunk of my daily life. In other words, when I find myself reading reports about how much of a tip TO left for a pizza delivery guy, it's probably a sign that I need to make some changes.