Aaron Karo

I've had a more relaxed day at work for once. It's allowed me to do a little freelance reading, and one site that I've found to be fun reading is www.aaronkaro.com. A couple years ago, I remember reading this guy's "ruminations" on college life. Before everyone had their own blogs, he was writing purely entertaining, quality material in a monthly newsletter, posted on the internet or distributed through email lists.

I forgot about him until now, and it turns out that since then, he's graduated college, worked on Wall Street, quit, compiled his writings into a book, and spent time touring the country doing stand-up comedy. Through it all, he's continued to write consistently hilarious ruminations, a lot of which I can relate to, but most of which I lack the wit and charm to transfer to my own blog. After reading all his stuff, I feel shamed to continue posting in my blog, which is devastatingly mediocre in comparison. But anyways, I highly recommend that everyone check out that site and read through his columns.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"I think maybe I’m starting to figure women out though. One thing I have noticed is that girls are always cold and they are always complaining that they’re feet hurt. (Who the hell told you to wear seven-inch heels anyway?) So, I think what I’m gonna do is carry around a pair of sneakers and a sweater. That’ll really make me a hit with the ladies! Man, the things we do for love."

It's funny, cause I've known this for a long time but never did anything about it until recently. This guy thinks like me. Except instead of a sweater, I keep a fleece in the backseat of my car. And these days when Olivia asks me which shoes she should wear, I always tell her "I really like your white and blue sneakers". Even if we're going to a fancy place.

"Did I miss the poof revolution? Since when did it become mandatory for all girls to use one of those poofy things in the shower? I was crashing at a girl friend’s place and all she had was a poof and liquid soap. Guys were just not meant to use a poof in the shower. It’s too rough in places it should be gentle and too gentle when it should be rough. I feel uncomfortable just writing about it."

I can't help but respectfully disagree here. The gentleness/roughness issue is easily remedied by careful usage, most should be able to easily vary the amount of pressure applied in using the "poof" depending on the sensitivity of the area to be washed. It's not just for girls. But like him, I never knew what the real name was for the longest time, and I always called it the "poofy thing". Now, I've been enlightened to know that it's called a loofa.

"I am fascinated by bathroom attendants. To me, this is a sign that the economy is so bad we’ve been reduced to just making up jobs. Let’s just say, for argument’s sake, that I really do need baby powder, condoms, six varieties of mints and twenty different kinds of cologne every time I use the bathroom. I certainly don’t need all that stuff handed to me. And I definitely don’t want to tip this guy every time I take a piss. It’s like a urinal tollbooth in there."

I kind of like those guys actually. But it definitely does get annoying that I gotta feel pressured to drop a buck in his tray, just cause he handed me a paper towel after I washed my hands. I can get my own damn paper towel. They're at least part of the reason I tend to break $10 and $20 bills more, instead of using my singles to buy stuff. Stupid, I know, but hey... pays off when you really gotta pee at Barleycorn.

"My college buddies are obsessed with fantasy sports to the point that I’m actually worried about them. Here’s an example. My friend Jeremy is at this club and bumps into Kurt Thomas of the Knicks. Now if I met Kurt Thomas, I’d be getting his autograph, taking pictures with him, etc., but not Jeremy. Here is their conversation. Jeremy: Hey, you’re Kurt Thomas! Thomas: Yeah. Jeremy: It’s great to meet you. Thomas: Thanks dog. Jeremy: You know, I have you on my fantasy basketball team. Thomas: Word? Jeremy: Yeah, listen, I was wondering if I could ask you a favor. Thomas: What? Jeremy: I’m in second place, and I could really use some more blocks from you. Thomas: More blocks? No doubt, I’ll see what I can do. Jeremy: Thanks man, have a good night. That’s a true story. A few days later, Thomas had the most in blocks in one game of his career. He must have done it all for Jeremy."

Substitute in that story "Joe" for "Jeremy", "Mike Mussina" for "Kurt Thomas", and "Strikeouts" for "Blocks, and you've got a perfect description of my dream encounter with my favorite fantasy player.

"I wish med school kids wouldn’t show off so much. The other day a bunch of my friends were hanging out and someone farted. We all laughed but then the med student of the bunch said, “Guys, that was just a natural mixture of carbon dioxide, formed from chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluid, as well as hydrogen and methane.” Well that kind of took the fun out of it."

Yeah, I'm pretty immature like that, but most of the time Olivia laughs it off. But maybe I should try to be a little more professional around her med-school friends. They probably don't appreciate my brand of crass humor as much. So in the future I'll have to resist the temptation to call Magglio Ordonez "Fagglio" or Bobby Jackson "Booby Jackson" when I'm at one of those dinner parties or whatever. Only when I'm with my own less sophisticated group of friends could I say stuff like "I worked out at the Bally's in Queerfield (Deerfield)" or "Let's go eat at Taco Smell".

*****

Also, the call for any interested softball players continues. It sounds like there's enough interest for me to go ahead an plan details, so that's good. Tentatively, it seems early Sunday afternoon would be an ideal time, although I am still leaving the door open for a Saturday date too. Talk to me within the next couple days if possible.