The following news report was written about my current fantasy situation. If you are not involved in my fantasy league and/or do not care about fantasy sports, I strongly advise that you skip this entry. It will come off as being especially nerdy and stupid, so don't say I didn't warn you.

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Clash Of The Titans

CHICAGO, Illinois - On a sunny but cool autumn morning, two teenage boys can be seen throwing a football around the fields of Grant Park. To the casual observer, these are simply two kids enjoying the comfortable weather together with some friendly non-competitive sport.

Upon closer inspection, however, one discovers that this is not your typical scene in Chicago. On the left is a skinny, dark-haired Asian boy, sporting a blue and white jersey with the number "35" on the back. The boy, named Quan-Xi, is quite obviously a fan of Mike Mussina and the Taipei Dudlings. Meanwhile, his friend, a rotund Caucasian lad that goes by the name Scooter, wears a brown T-Shirt and a baseball cap with the letter W, the familiar logo of the Kansas Whiteys.

As any fan who follows Dudo League Baseball is aware, perhaps the last thing you'd ever expect to see this weekend would be a Taipei fan associating with a Kansas fan. For you see, the rivalry between the two franchises is as old as the league itself. And this rivalry has never been as intense as it is about to become during the next few days.

Though they root for different teams, these boys have been friends for years and share a common love in rooting for fantasy sports. And ask either Quan-Xi or Scooter what their plans for this weekend are, and they would inevitably talk about their respective teams, as well as the prospect of winning the highly coveted Dudo League Championship.

"My dad wants me to do math problems all night, but you know I'll be there with my walkman, listening to the game on the radio in between the taking of derivatives and integrals, fo shizzle," says Quan-Xi with a wide smile.

Scooter, on the other hand, plans to watch the game with his older brothers at Hooters. "Yep, my momma works there and she can hook us up with all the beer we can drink tonight," the 14-year old boasts.

Though neither team has ever won the crown in the league's history, now in its 5th year, one of them is all but assured of walking away with the title come Sunday night. A long season that started in April now boils down to 3 days of games. Less than 15 points separate the Whiteys and Dudlings - it's truly anybody's guess as to who will emerge as the champion, and who will go home as the loser after all is said and done.

The magnitude of this battle is not lost on the players, either. Though a horrible outing by team captain Mussina and inopportune days off taken by the stars of the lineup, Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds, set the team back in the standings earlier in the week, the Dudling clubhouse is once again fired up and ready to go. Leading the charge last night were unexpected heroes, in the form of 5th starter Brad Penny and newly acquired Brian Lawrence, who both posted strong outings in head to head matchups against Whitey pitchers. (Team management thanked Lawrence after the game for his help, then promptly sent him back to the waiver wire)

After an early-morning workout, veteran starter Kevin Brown was asked about his feelings on the rivalry and the upcoming battle with Kansas. "We don't like those guys on the other side, they don't like us ... and right now I would enjoy nothing more than to give those cow-humping hillbillies the thrashing of a lifetime."

Posed with the same question, All-Star second baseman Alfonso Soriano had no verbal reply, instead simply flashing the broadest, whitest smile ever seen this side of Mateen Cleaves. This left reporters feeling somewhat puzzled.

Meanwhile, for the Whiteys, most players apparently preferred to keep the battle on the field and chose not to speak to reporters. Hideo Nomo, obviously still reeling from the previous night's collapse, could be seen in the corner of the dugout, quietly sobbing alone.

One man who rarely stays quiet, however, is Kansas owner Piya P_ongbunkor. The fiery tempered owner has long been known for his outspoken ways and gangster-like tactics, not hesitant at all to punish poor fantasy performance with brutality. Many a Whiteys closer has suffered P_ongbunkor's wrath, and in some cases, not even their families were spared. At times, his brutality has backfired and caused players to hide from him, but at least in the case of star relief man Eric Gagne, the methods of fear and coercion appear to have been effective this season.

One must admit, it is precisely the perfect string of converted saves by Gagne that has led the charge of these upstart Whiteys to the top of the standings this year. And if they are to have any hopes of taking the championship, the team will almost certainly need another inning or two from their dominant closer. The Dudlings know this as well, and the suits in Taipei have been accused of being behind the two failed assassination attempts on Gagne earlier this week. Though the front office vehemently denies gunning for Gagne, these narrow misses underscore just how much is at stake for these two teams, their respective organizations, and the fans.

In sharp contrast to Kansas' P_ongbunkor, Taipei's owner Joe Chen is a reserved and gentle man. Known around the league for his easygoing personality, players of all teams admire his style and most would relish the opportunity to someday put on a Dudling uniform and play for the storied franchise.

But despite the clash in styles and their teams' bitter rivalry, the relationship between Chen and P_ongbunkor is surprisingly close. Much like Quan-Xi and Scooter, these two men have their vast differences in their backgrounds, personalities, and team loyalties, but share a common love of fantasy sports. But when the two join several other fellow league owners tonight in an informal gathering at John Barleycorn, it will be interesting to see whether any drama unfolds in the midst of their fantasy squads' battling.

Throwing another twist into the equation is Sunday's McNown Football League matchup between the Taipei Dudalisks and the Kansas McNowns, both under the same owners as their baseball counterparts. In the past, this rivalry has been relatively one sided, with Kansas being a perennial favorite and Taipei being the regular league doormat. But this year, both teams enter this game at 2-1 and still hold bright hopes for a strong season. Though football will take a backseat in the minds of Taipei and Kansas fans this weekend to baseball, there will undoubtedly be plenty of channel flipping and scoreboard watching on Sunday.

As the loyal fans Quan-Xi and Scooter continue their game of catch on this morning, perhaps even they are unaware of the scale of events that awaits them. In the meantime, the collision course continues, and it is only a matter of time before this one fateful weekend decides all for these boys, their teams, their fellow fans, and of course, a certain two owners out there who have everything at stake.