Worry

One of the mottos I've always tried to live by is "Don't worry about things you can't control". To me, it's a motto that makes a lot of sense, one that I really like and believe in. And whenever people talk to me about their problems, I tend to tell them the same thing because I think it applies to a lot of situations for just about everybody.

I think my motto drives some people nuts at times, especially females, who seem to like to "talk" about everything. It might be hard for readers of my blog to believe, but I don't think of myself as a person who likes to talk about stuff a lot. More specifically, I hate discussing things like my feelings and emotions, purely for the sake of discussion. Rehashing the same thoughts over and over just seems like such a waste of time, and unless talking about something will bring about some actual change or progress, I'd rather avoid it entirely.

But lately I've been thinking more about my precious motto, and I'm starting to realize that it has its limitations and drawbacks. First of all, even for someone like me who is so adamant about not letting things out of my control affect me, I still can't deny that I base a lot of my moods and emotions on these kinds of things. The weather is one thing that I have absolutely no say in, yet I get gloomy when it's cold and snowy, upbeat when it's sunny and warm. Or in watching a lot of sports, that sets me up for a lot of disappointment or joy based on outcomes that, no matter what I try to tell myself as a fan, happen independent of my rooting or watching loyalty.

The other thing is, I think living this way has somewhat made me into the more passive personality that I am. I haven't really figured out if this is a good thing or bad thing. But since the definition of "things you can't control" is left up to the individual, I guess it's been easy for me to blow a lot of things off by simply saying to myself that it's out of my control.

For example, all throughout my life, I have never actively pursued a girl, even if I really liked her. My reasoning to myself was, I can't really control whether or not she likes me, and if it's meant to happen, it will just magically happen eventually. Looking back, it's kind of amazing to me that I somehow ended up with a girlfriend anyways, with that logic.

Or, when I was interviewing for jobs at the end of college and right after graduation, I tended to not be the aggressive job-seeker that people always say you should be. I just figured I'd already done all I could through my years of school, so all that's left to do was to make a good resume, give it out to some people, and let nature take its course. Never made any follow up calls, wrote any cover letters, etc. Again, looking back, I'm kind of amazed that I ended up with this job, considering how little I did back then.

Anyways, even though things worked out for me, I think in those cases (and probably a lot of other cases too), I used my "don't worry about things you can't control" motto as a crutch, as an excuse to avoid thinking about certain things. Which of course is a bad thing. If I were to be honest with myself, I would have to acknowledge that when it came to girls, the real reason I didn't talk to them was because I was afraid to, and not so much because I felt it wasn't worth worrying about. And the real reason I never did the extra stuff in my job hunt was because deep down I hated interviewing, I distrusted all recruiters, and I thought people who wrote cover letters and made follow up calls were annoying, fake, and suck-ups. I guess I'm not saying that I should have done all that stuff (maybe I should have, I don't know), but at least I should have at least been honest with myself instead of just covering it up and saying "it's out of my control, so don't worry about it".

When you think about it, we as humans were born with a natural instinct to worry. And I tend to believe that every instinct we were born with has a reason and purpose that has in some way helped us survive throughout years of evolution. Some instincts have more obvious function than others, such as our hunger for food or the desire to "mate". But even something like the ability to laugh can be important. I always wondered why humans would need to have a sense of humor, but the other day I heard a quote that I thought was a good explanation: "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road" (credited to Henry Ward Beecher, American clergyman). In other words, if you can't laugh about certain things, you're not gonna be able to absorb the many bumps that life hits you with and thus you probably won't get very far before breaking down entirely.

Anyways, even though I've tried to condition myself to not be affected as much by my natural instinct to worry, there's gotta still be times when worrying about something could be important, otherwise we wouldn't be born with that instinct. Now, while I continue to hold my belief that it's pointless to worry about things that you can't control, I think where I need to change my attitude is in my interpretation of "things I can't control".

Up to this point in my life, I think I've had a very loose definition of this. From little things to big things, it's always been tempting to push aside responsibility and "let nature take its course". But I think by doing that, I put limits on myself and what I can have an effect on.

Like as a driver on the road, you can just obey all traffic laws and if someone hits you, it would be their fault. After all, you did nothing wrong, so you can truthfully say that you took full responsibility on your own part. But you could also go the extra step and drive defensively in addition to simply obeying all traffic laws (as if I should really be talking about defensive driving), and this would probably save you from some of those accidents.

Or (again with the poker philosophy), when you approach a poker table, you could just say that it's a game of chance and you win or lose based purely on the cards you get. But then you could also take the effort to learn the intricacies of the game and in that way put yourself in a better position to win. I'm getting off topic here, but my point of discussing these examples is that in a lot of cases, you can really blind yourself to some things by not critically thinking about what you actually can and can't control.

So maybe a better motto for me would be the active voice, "worry about the things you can control". I still like the way it sounds the other way though. Nevertheless, I think in the future I will really have to try to expand the self-imposed limits in my life. Hopefully, in the process I'll be able to take a more active role in controlling the things in my life.