Anti Norton AntiVirus

I've had my laptop for a few months now, and pretty much everything about it is great, except for one thing. It came pre-loaded with Norton AntiVirus software, which only had a 3 month subscription that ran out a few weeks ago, and now it won't stop bugging me to renew. I tried to uninstall the program, and not only did I fail at that endeavor, but I now get these stupid error messages every time I boot up, in addition to the reminders to renew.

Some of you may be thinking, how hard can it be to uninstall a program? Just go to the Start menu, the program folder, and find the "Uninstall Norton AntiVirus" shortcut, right? Sounds good, but there was no such option to be found, anywhere. Believe me, I looked everywhere. When was the last time you saw a program that didn't come with its own uninstall feature? I mean, even the little dinky apps you download from freeware sites all come with an option that lets you uninstall.

It's ok though, no big deal. I'll use my computer smarts and go to the Windows Control Panel, Add/Remove Programs, and Remove Norton AV myself. Again, no such luck. Norton AntiVirus was listed, but when I selected it, there was no button there to "Change/Remove" like every other program has.

Now I was pissed. How can there be no option in Control Panel to remove this program? I mean, it's one thing if it's a Microsoft program, which might have features closely integrated to Windows and stuff, and even then, I think they usually give you the option to remove. But this is THIRD-PARTY SOFTWARE. HOW DARE THEY TELL ME WHAT PROGRAM I CAN AND CAN'T REMOVE??!

Actually, I checked some of the other programs in the Control Panel list, and to my surprise, a few of the other ones were the same way, no "Change/Remove" button. I don't remember this ever being an issue in Windows 2000, maybe it's a new thing in XP? In any case, it's BS. Nobody should have the right to decide what I keep and what I delete on MY computer, except for me.

At one point in this ordeal, I hit a new low. That is, when I told Olivia about my problems and she decided she would try to help me. You know you're in trouble when your girlfriend is working on fixing your computer for you. The same girl who still connects with dialup, uses the internet mostly to shop for clothes or look up pictures of puppies, and believes it's a good idea to click those "Unsubscribe" links in spam emails. Needless to say, it took her about 5 minutes of struggling with my computer before she, too, gave up. Even though I wanted the program off my system, I have to admit that deep down, I was somewhat relieved when she failed. It just wouldn't sit too well with my manhood if I needed my girlfriend to fix my computer for me.

So after all this, I still got the error messages and the renewal reminders to deal with. What makes those reminders that much more infuriating is the way they are presented. At the top, a message that says "Your virus definitions are not up to date" in red letters. As you all know, red means danger. Then it gives two options:

[ ] Renew now (recommended)
[ ] Remind me again in {drop down box} days

WOW, thank you SO MUCH for the recommendation! I wasn't going to renew, but since you recommend it, sign me up immediately! Worse yet, the only selections in the drop down box were either "1" or "15". So basically, I have three choices: 1. Paying these assclowns for a service that I think is worthless to begin with (more on this in a little bit), 2. Having them bug me to pay them every day for as long as I have this computer, or 3. Having them bug me every 15 days for as long as I have this computer. Awesome.

If there's one thing I hate, it's shady and/or unprofessional business practice. For example, when record companies flood Kazaa with bogus files to foil downloaders, it just makes me that much more determined to steal their music out of spite. Likewise, when Norton Antivirus tries to coerce me into subscribing to their services thru repeated harrassment, I do not respond well.

For a while now, I have thought of the whole antivirus industry as a sham to begin with. By now, I have been using computers for more than 10 years and as far as I can remember, not once has my antivirus software saved me from any real threat. There actually was a time when I respected Peter Norton because of his exceptionally useful set of DOS utilities, and thus figured his antivirus programs would be just as good. Unfortunately, I think his name has been sufficiently whored out to the large corporations over the years, to the point where he probably has little if anything to do with the software that still bears his picture on the cover. And if I ever meet the people who designed the current version of Norton Antivirus, I swear I will punch them all in their ovaries, Ron Burgundy style.

I'm not saying that there aren't viruses (virii?) out there. I'm sure there do exist viruses that can destroy your computer, but I think as long as you aren't a dumbass about opening suspicious attachments and that kind of thing, you wouldn't really have to worry about getting them. Either way, if a really potent virus does happen to come along, your antivirus software probably won't be able to catch it anyways, because it's too new to have any definitions available.

Basically what I'm saying is, all NAV really does is slow down your computer, interfere with some legitimate installation programs, and try to charge you for letting them continue to do so. I suppose if you are the ignorant type, you might enjoy paying for that false sense of security. But for me, I will never ever pay for worthless garbage. I just want the stupid program off my computer and out of my life. And soon, before I flip out and the ovary-punching rampage begins.