Get A Life

Anybody see the news last week? For the Victoria's Secret fashion show, PETA protesters ran on the stage with big signs that said stuff like "Gisele Fur Scum" before these security guys ran on and tackled them off the stage. It was hilarious.

If you didn't know, PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. These people devote their entire lives to saving animals from "unethical" treatment. Which I'm all for, cause animals are cool, but I can't believe how extreme this organization is.

For example, a couple months ago they harrassed the Milwaukee Brewers because during their games, their "Sausage Race" didn't include a vegetarian sausage. A year ago, they put up ads of Rudy Giuliani with a milk mustache saying "Got Prostate Cancer?" suggesting that his cancer was due to drinking milk. (They eventually had to apologize after he threatened to sue, but that should give you an idea of what kind of things they do).

If you visit their site, www.peta.org, it is one of the most well done, organized, and complete sites that I have ever seen. They also get some pretty famous celebrities to support their cause by appearing in ads or leading public campaigns.

Now, like I said, animals are great and I love them. I would never like to see unnecessary killing of any animals and I do agree that fur coats and things like that are probably too much. But, seeing how much effort PETA pours into their cause makes me wonder how much real good they could accomplish if they just channeled their energy to a more worthy cause.

Sure, they might succeed in convincing some people not to buy leather products, eat meat, or use cosmetic brands which employ animal testing, but how much does that contribute to this world? How does this improve society?

There are entire countries dying of starvation in this world. There are children being beaten and abused by their parents in this country, and fetuses being aborted every day by selfish and careless teenagers. Why not try to help some of them instead?

It's sad to me that a great deal of these same PETA members could care less about something like abortion in which human life is killed. I think there is a certain degree of hypocrisy to that, where people say to themselves, "If I don't see it, it's ok."

I really doubt that these people care about the fact that animals are dying, as much as they care about appeasing their own conscience when they see "cute" animals being killed. Why aren't there animal rights groups protesting mousetraps? And does every member of PETA care about the senseless killing of mosquitoes and spiders that occurs daily in everyone's homes? No, I doubt it, because there is a sort of double standard here. If you see a cute little guinea pig dying so that people can conduct research, or a pig that looks like the one from "Babe" being slaughtered so we can have bacon and pork chops, then it's wrong.

I, for one, love bacon and pork chops. To me, there's nothing wrong with killing a pig if it is for a good purpose - so that I can eat. Maybe that's insensitive, but that's how life goes, that's nature. Eat, or be eaten. Just cause a cow doesn't seem like she enjoys being milked don't mean that we shouldn't drink milk. Nobody's gonna tell me otherwise. If that cow was smart enough to rule this earth, you think it would have mercy on us? Yeah right...

The real problem here is that certain people have nothing to do, so they end up spending their lives doing stupid stuff like that. If these guys had bills to pay, kids to feed, a 9-5 job to contend with, we wouldn't see them planning silly protests at some Victoria's Secret fashion show. To these people, I say, PLEASE GET A LIFE.

Why I Hate Dave Chan

Every year, there are 2 or 3 weeks during which everything else I am doing comes to a halt and my entire focus shifts to one thing: fantasy football. This is one of those weeks. What makes this week any different from any other? Because my beloved fantasy football team is going up against the most hated franchise of all time, the one owned by Dave.

If you have not been in our league these past few years, it will be hard for you to imagine why I harbor so much hatred for one guy and his silly fantasy bunch. Well, here is some history:

I think my first ever game in the McNown league was a matchup against Dave. I don't remember much of anything that happened that entire season, but this game sticks in my mind because of just how painful it was. Having drafted what I thought was a pretty good team, I went into this game pretty confident, and early Sunday I was feeling even better since my TE, some unknown guy named Itula Mili, scored a touchdown. Unless you have Tony Gonzalez, pretty much any production from the TE spot is a huge bonus. So anyways, I'm happily watching football and enjoying the day, when I realize that my kicker, Mike Hollis, is injured. An ominous sign, but no biggie. This, however, would be followed by a worse sign: his tight end, some schmoe named Jackie Harris, scored a touchdown too. This made me mad, but I didn't panic. It couldn't come down to something as little as this, right? Well, it did. The next day, our scores were tied. Since I am the luckiest fantasy player in the world, the tiebreaker happened to be point total for each team's Kicker. So I lost.

Big deal, you might say, but you don't understand. Dave is one of those guys who seems like a nice guy, but he talks so much smack it's unbelievable. You don't ever, ever, ever want to lose to a guy like Dave because he he will rub it in more than you thought was possible. Believe me, after playing plenty of video games against that kid, I can say that there is not a single person you should fear losing to more than that guy. So the Jackie Harris thing is something that I will never ever forget.

Which brings me to the next season. (If you were wondering what happened in season 1, I lost the other 2 meetings to Dave too). My team didn't have to face Dave until week 6 or 7. At this time, I was coming off a huge emotional victory against first-place Kansas (Piya's team), finding myself perched atop the league with the most feared roster for the first time in my life - QB Donovan McNabb, WR Marvin Harrison, Jimmy Smith, RB LaDanian Tomlinson, Corey Dillon, and Eddie George. Dave's team, meanwhile, was a struggling team on which not a single player was worth mentioning. He was so scared that he changed his team name to from "Joe's Mamas" to "Joe's Bitches" not thinking that there was a chance in the world he could win this game.

Well, it turns out that his team played the game of its life to beat mine, and after that week, my team reeled off 10 or 11 straight losses to finish the season. Needless to say, I did not win the league that year and there was much smack-talking I heard from his punkass afterwards.

Anyways, fast forward to this year. After years consisting of many matchups against his team, no matter in what situation, I have NEVER won against Dave. That is one of the things he likes to brag about the most every time I see him (which isn't often anymore, but still gets under my skin). I don't understand why I always lose, but I do. He is like Michigan to my Ohio State, except I am owned in such a lopsided way that it isn't even funny anymore.

Could this week be the week? Only time will tell. I can only have my delicate little heart broken so many times before it dies completely.

The Matchup: Dudalisks vs. Mossy's Possy

Marc Bulger vs. Daunte Culpepper
Joe Horn vs. Hines Ward
Corey Dillon vs. Deuce McAllister
Mikhael Ricks vs. Jeremy Shockey
Clinton Portis vs. Randy Moss
Keyshawn Johnson vs. Fred Taylor
Michael Bennett vs. Tiki Barber
Jason Elam vs. Adam Vinatieri
Takeo Spikes vs. Julius Peppers
William Bartee vs. Derrick Brooks
Al Wilson vs. Rod Woodson

Showing Leg

I was wearing my tearaway pants at home, with the bottom few buttons undone, when I walked by the mirror and happened to check myself out. And dang, my legs are ugly. I guess that is why only girls get to wear skirts or dresses with a slit down the side. Props for that. None for me, but thank goodness that the rest of my bod is so fine so it makes up for my lackluster legs.

Coldplay

I gotta say, their new CD is one of the most solid albums I have heard by any artist in a long time. I can't get the song "Clocks" out of my head right now. It is very U2-ish, but still a fresh sound. Highly recommended by the Dudo509 Blogspot entertainment division.

Bears Rule

Watching the Bears game today was just about as miserable as being kicked in the nuts by a really ugly girl. Ok, so I don't know what the difference is between being kicked by an ugly or pretty girl, but whatever. I just can't believe that week after week, I continue to stupidly tune in to watch their crap and have three and a half hours of my life mercilessly ripped away.

In case you missed it, Bears built a 21 point lead in the 3rd quarter against the Patriots, only to end up losing their 7th straight game this season. It was pretty bad, I would have rather watched them get blown out 41-0 instead of making me feel like they might possibly win, then choke at the end.

So there I am, having watched about two and a half quarters of some pretty impressive Bears play that made me think we might actually win this game. We're up 27-6 in the 3rd quarter, our defense looks solid, and John Shoop is actually showing off plays designed to gain more than 5 yards on offense. Of course, my enthusiasm was somewhat tempered by the voice in the back of my head saying "hold on a second, let's not forget that we suck." That, and the stupid announcer guy kept reminding viewers "don't count out the Patriots, there's plenty of time left!" I swear, if he said "there's one way for them to come back: one play, one first down, and one touchdown at a time" another time, I was going to take a bat to the TV set. Someone who thinks such a dumb cliche thing to say is cool enough to mention 4 or 5 times in one broadcast does not belong in the booth.

Anyways, at that point I was basically just waiting to see the Bears find a way to give the game away. First drive, they basically let the Pats march downfield with no resistance. I think I saw Tom Brady dump off about 6 short passes to the same part of the field on that drive. It's like our defense was saying "here's 7 to 10 yards for you, we don't want it." I don't even like a team playing prevent-style defense late in the 4th quarter, let alone halfway through the 3rd, but that's pretty much what they did. Result, Touchdown New England, 27-13 Bears.

So then the Bears get the ball back, and no more than 2 or 3 plays later, Jim Miller throws a pick. It wasn't one of those fluke interceptions either, where the ball is tipped, or like when you lob a hail mary. This one was pretty much delivered straight into the other team's hands, like well short of the intended receiver. I don't know if it's because of his severe elbow tendinitis, but if it is, I don't know why in the world he is in the game if he can't throw right. At least don't call a passing play then, or better yet, put in Marty Booker at quarterback, he seems to throw rather well (more on this later). Anyways, defense actually holds for 3 plays but the offense basically just handed out field position like nobody's business. Result, field goal, 27-16.

Next Bears drive, 3 and out. No big surprise there. Punt, then defense goes back to giving up short passes so that the Pats can march down the field again. This time, they tighten it up in the red zone and prevent a touchdown. But still letting up 3 points with relatively little fight is not good. 27-19.

By this time, I'm pretty pissed because the Bears look content in just putzing around the rest of the game and hoping that 27 points will be enough to win. But on the next kickoff, we get a big return, followed by a short conservative drive. Of course, we don't reach the end zone, heaven forbid, but a field goal, we'll take it. 30-19.

With a little momentum back on our side, it seemed like we might win after all. But the next drive is what really puzzled me. The Bears defense plays conservative, prevent-style in the 3rd quarter and early 4th, then on a critical 3rd and 4 late in the final quarter, they decide to blitz 3 guys and leave the secondary wide open for a 36 yard touchdown pass. Way to go, idiots. Yay, we're gonna send in all our guys and not even touch the quarterback.

One thing that might have seemed good on that drive was stopping the 2-pt conversion. But honestly, I think we would've been better off giving them that so later on the Pats would maybe be content to tie with a field goal instead of being forced to win on a touchdown (which they eventually did, of course). Twisted logic, but when you are a Bears fan, that's what happens. At this time, it's 30-25, time to really start worrying.

Of course, Bears get the ball back, and did we actually think they would be able to run out the clock? Hizells no. 1st and 10, A-train gets 9 to set up 2nd and short. Looks good so far, but the next two plays they try to go up the middle twice, and get stuffed twice. Can we be a little more predictable please? I can't stand it when you see the defense loading up everyone in the box, and you still try to punch it through, knowing that there is almost no space there to begin with.

Just over 2 minutes left in the game, Bears punt, and New England gets the ball at almost midfield. I'm really just waiting for this disaster to unfold. I know it's gonna happen, only a matter of time. Except that they couldn't just lose, they had to piss me off some more before doing so. After a couple plays, the Brady Bunch reaches the 30 or so, then the gayness ensued. Bryan Robinson had what looked like an interception, which would have locked up the game for the Bears. Time to celebrate, eh? Unfortunately, for some reason he decided to start running before he had the ball, and after reviewing the play on tape, the refs declared it was just an incomplete pass. He never had full control of the ball. Now, I don't really understand why the guy feels like he needs to try and return this interception given the game situation, instead of just securing the ball where he was, but hey, this is Bryan Robinson we're talking about, so we can't be too surprised.

Alright, so Tom Brady gets a second chance, and a few plays later, David Patten finds single coverage and schools Todd McMillon for the game winning touchdown. 33-30 Patriots. Yeah, there's still 20 some seconds left for the Bears to come back. Right.... First, we have tendinitis elbow at quarterback. And second, we like to let 10 seconds run off the clock before calling timeout. It's more fun and exciting like that. Nope, no comeback, did you really think there would be one?

So basically, this was the most infuriating game I have watched in a long time, and that's saying a lot because here in Chicago I get to watch the White Sox and Bulls putz around a lot too. The one nice play the Bears had was the trick play when Marty Booker threw a touchdown to Marcus Robinson. Even that, I couldn't really celebrate because I am probably gonna lose my fantasy game because of that fricking play. Or maybe it won't end up being that close, then I won't feel so bad.

Missy Works It

Has anyone heard the remix of that song, Missy Elliot's "Work It" when she does a verse promoting the radio station it is being played on? She goes something like "This is a power 92 exclusive... Is it worth it, lemme work it, cause 92.3 will serve it... it's yer adlkjgsflkj eiughdn dkjwnvkd, it's yer welknv dnewkng nwkngne..."

Well, I have heard this on 3 different stations so far here in the Chicagoland area. Isn't the word "exclusive" supposed to mean something?

Men, Women, and the Economy

It's been a while since I have made any controversial remarks about male/female differences, so it might be time for one of those entries.

I was just thinking about how different our lives would be if there were only guys in this world, besides the obvious of course. Consider that entire shopping malls would not exist. Anyone disagree with that? Walk into Marshall Fields and take a look around. The store is dominated by makeup counters, Coach purses, women's shoes, women's dresses (casual, formal, etc.), and Godiva chocolates. None of that is for men, now is it?

But, you might point out that there is a men's shoe section, men's apparel, men's fragrances, which are all for men. Well, that may be true, but I still believe that none of that would be there if there were no women in the world. Without a mother to bring us up, or hot chicks to impress, every single guy would end up wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, if even that much, I can almost guarantee you that.

Ok, so look elsewhere in the mall, what would you find? More women's clothes. The Build-a-Bear store. Jewelry shops. Some place selling freshly ground guava juice. Out of all the stores you typically find at shopping malls, I think only a few of these would exist if it was a men-only world. The Sharper Image, and Foot Locker, that's about it.

This doesn't only apply to malls, malls are just sort of a microcosm of the rest of the world. Women commonly claim that this society is so male-dominated, but I don't believe this is fully true. Ok, so maybe in terms of political and industrial power, men are still ahead for now. But when you think about it, this economy would be even further in the dumps if there were no women to buy stuff.

Speaking from a guy's perspective, I would say that my life is pretty simple and I don't need many things. Other than a fairly expensive car, I don't think I spend that much money on anything. I eat sandwiches every day for lunch. I have one pair of shoes for work, one pair of shoes for playing sports, and sandals for the summer. If it weren't for my sister and Olivia buying me stuff, I would probably still be wearing all my clothes from high school (when I was 6 inches shorter and 30 pounds lighter). Then all I really do other than work is watch football, write blogs, or talk to people online. None of that really costs any money either. I used to at least buy Nintendo games and baseball cards.

Compare this to girls. I could write a whole long blog on how many shoes girls "need," but I'm sure others have already done that so I will spare you. Not only shoes though, it's coats, hats, sunglasses, earrings, jeans, black pants, gray pants, sweaters, rings, etc. Too much is never enough.

Or you could think of it in terms of drinks when you go out to a bar or club. Guys drink beer - $4 or 5 bucks a pop at most. Girls don't like beer (typically), that means $10+ mixed drinks, amaretto sours, midori sours, long island iced teas and the lot.

Basically, because of girls, we can't all walk around in just our underwear, watch TV, and eat Taco Bell or McDonalds every day. We gotta be "cultured" and attend musicals, eat at French restaurants once in a while, buy jewelry, and shop at the Hallmark store now and then. Our clothes have to look "presentable."

I guess I am not a very good active consumer in this American economy. I would feel bad for not contributing more of my disposable income in this time when businesses need it, but honestly, it wouldn't bother me at all if jewelry shops and Hallmark stores went bankrupt in this world. Those are such bogus industries to begin with, taking advantage of helpless boyfriends and husbands around the country. Flower shops are aiiiight though, they can stay, because they are usually run by nice, sweet hometown ladies who like flowers, instead of being a multi-million dollar corporate giant.