Serve This

Recently, especially in light of the rollercoaster that has been my last couple weeks of work, I've come to the realization that my job makes me more or less a servant. It's not technically a "service" position, like answering phones and dealing with customers' problems, but that just means that instead of being a servant to customers, I'm a servant to my bosses. This was a difficult thing for me to fully grasp because now that I think of it, I've never been in the position to serve other people. I'm used to being served.

Most of us (myself included) went through years of school and looked at it as though it were some burden placed on our shoulders. By the final semester of my senior year at college, I couldn't wait to take my last exam, grab my diploma and go. Too busy being pissed at professors who talked down to me, and too worried about getting the best grades possible, I failed to recognize the fact that school was there for my benefit, and not the other way around. All these professors, TA's, and department administrators that I viewed as the enemy, were actually people that were being paid to make sure I got my edumacation. Maybe it didn't always work out that way, with lazy and self-absorbed professors all over the place, but that was the intention.

Well, now that I'm more than a year removed from graduation and been working for a while, it's becoming more apparent that the days of me being served by everyone around me are over. Though my managers and most of the people I work with are eager to help me and answer my questions, the bottom line is that I work for them and that's the only reason they pay me each week.

Ever since I started working this job, I've wondered why I get home each night feeling so tired and drained, and I still haven't come up with a good answer. I mean, it's not like I'm lifting rocks all day, I'm sitting at a desk for the majority of 8 or 9 hours. All I know is, at the end of each day, I feel like I desperately need some time to recuperate. Exactly what it is I'm recuperating from, I don't know.

I think a big part of it is that I'm just not used to being in the position of serving other people. Yes, I'm getting paid for what I do, but other than that, my work is solely for the benefit of someone else. On the surface, when my boss gives me a list of Action Items from a meeting to take care of, it's a lot like a professor assigning a chapter to study or a problem set to do. But in reality, studying that chapter or doing that problem set is for my own good. If I don't do it, nobody really loses out but me. On the other hand, those Action Items have very little direct effect on my life. I might gain some technical experience from getting them accomplished, but that's merely a side benefit. So while it's probably just as tough, if not tougher, to work on an MP for 8 hours as it is to be at this job all day, the situation is very different.

Doing something for the sake of money and doing it for the sake of personal gain are two different things to me. Money is great, but it's honestly not that important to me. Maybe it's because I've never had to worry much about not having enough of it, so I don't fully appreciate its value. But really, the paycheck I get each Friday is not enough, in and of itself, to motivate me to work my butt off at my job. I do work hard, partly because it's the way I've been brought up, but also because I have some faith that in the end, my effort will pay off in some way when all is said and done. I'm getting off my original topic though.

I guess in the bigger picture of my overall life, there's a significant shift in paradigm that has to come with the adjustment of starting a career. For 22 years, the focus has always been on improving myself, and working hard for my own future gain. Well, that future is now, and with its arrival, the questions arise - who am I working hard for, and for what purpose?

Because my primary role is no longer to serve myself and my own interests, there must be some deeper motivation and personal justification for something that takes up the majority of my waking hours and demands so much of my soul. Right now, I lack a clear sense of what this motivation is, or where it's supposed to come from, and maybe that's why I end up feeling so debilitated at the end of each day.

Maybe I need to have a wife and kids to support, and having them depend on me and my paycheck will provide a driving force to move forward. Maybe I need to take up a satisfying hobby, to counter the draining effects of serving other people's interests at work all the time. Maybe I should drop everything and start my own company, have people work for me, and continue to be entirely focused on my personal gain and no one else's, for the rest of my life. All of the above? None of the above?

Anyways, if I had known that leaving school would effectively mark the end of my life as a "servee" and the beginning of my life as a "server", maybe I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to walk across that stage to get my fake diploma on that fateful day in May 2002. But hey, life goes on. And I'd like to believe that some day, everything I wonder about will all make sense to me.

"Welcome to the real world -- it sucks" - Monica from Friends

Proof that there is justice in this world - Gigli earned only $3.8 million in its opening weekend, a movie that cost $54 million to make. It couldn't even beat Finding Nemo in its 10th week. Not saying Finding Nemo sucks (I haven't seen it), but hey, after all the hype and promotion surrounding Gigli, it's pretty sad that they couldn't do better in their opening weekend. I was starting to think movie producers could put out any piece of crap and make money, but it's kind of reassuring to know that they can't shove just anything they want down our throats and still turn a profit.

A question I have been pondering - would it be better to be mauled by a bear, or walk through a swarm of little tiny flies? Well, I've never been a victim of bear-maulage, but I did experience walking through a thick cloud of little flies this weekend and it was pretty bad. These guys were everywhere, it was disgusting. I felt like I was breathing them in by the hundreds, and they were flying in my mouth. Then I got in my car, and they all followed me in. I've never seen anything like that, is it me or is the insect population getting worse every year? Seriously though, a bear, you can shoot it. How do you kill millions of tiny bugs? You can spray them with insecticide, but there's so many of them that enough will survive, and they will inevitably reproduce faster than you can find new insecticides.

Note to Vic - if you happen to read this, please join Mcnown now. If you need the info, contact me or check your Yahoo email account.

Random Observation - The first 4 letters of the words "Analog" and "Analysis" are "Anal". I noticed this because I looked at my Windows taskbar and a lot of the minimized windows are titled "Anal..." tee-hee

Baseball/Summer

It's August and football is just around the corner, but right now BASEBALL is where it's at. I can't believe how well the Sox are playing, even in the beginning of the year when everyone had high expectations, I wouldn't have thought it would be like this. Of course, we are still in 2nd place, but man, what a way to rebound from that awful series getting swept by the Tigers. But looking ahead on the schedule, the road gets tougher. Gotta play the Yankees twice, Boston, Seattle coming up right now, and in a few weeks, another series with those dreaded Tigers. It's too bad they didn't cash in on all the crappy teams in the first half, but oh well. It's time to step it up.

Another team that is hot and needs to step up more is my fantasy team. Most of my readers don't care about my fantasy team, so just skip this. Anyways, hot starting pitching as of late has kind of put me back in the running, 150 pts behind the beast out of Kansas. And tonight, two big head-to-head pitching matchups against the Whiteys. Greg Maddux takes the hill against Nideo Homo, and Mike Mussina faces Tim Hudson. Doesn't get much more huge than that...

*****

Considering there's still a whole month left, it's a little early to do a "summer-in-review", but it really seems like the past couple months have just flown by. I guess when I think about it, a lot of stuff happened, but it feels like just yesterday when it was the end of May and we were at Dennis's graduation. Graduating seniors were giving me resumes to submit at Northrop, and everyone was talking about their plans for their break. Ray came back from Berkeley to take summer school at U of I, and I told him I'd visit him in Champaign for sure. Dan left for Honeywell, and I planned on maybe flying out there one weekend too. Olivia finished her finals, and made me promise to take her to Indiana Dunes sometime before the end of her vacation.

Meanwhile, for me at work, life during the summer months pretty much carries on the same as the rest of the year. The weather is nicer, of course, and the atmosphere is a little more relaxed, but other than that, the beat goes on. Fridays come and go, weeks and then months pass before I even know it. I find myself living from weekend to weekend, and having things planned weeks in advance, instead of calling people up an hour beforehand and expecting everyone to be ready to just pick up and go.

So now it's August, Dan is finishing up at Honeywell, Ray will be headed back to Cali soon, and I haven't managed to visit either of them. There's still a few weekends before Olivia starts her 2nd year of med school, but I don't know whether we'll end up making it to the Dunes or not. The past couple weeks especially have been a blur, working late and trying to stay sane amidst the madness of my surroundings. In a couple weeks, the US Navy is set to make a decision on who to award a large contract to, and if they choose us, it'll be even busier here for at least the next year or two. Which would be good for the company, and thus my job security, but not so good for the rest of my life as far as stress and free time and all that.

Well, for now I'd like to forget about all that stuff and list some of the good times so far this summer:

- Visiting Champaign for the weekend of Dennis's graduation. Softball, Legend's, the Quad, a fountain, Murphy's, and more...

- Rod's graduation party. Filipino Egg Rolls, Miller Lite, Mah-johng, Euchre, and No Limit Holdem

- Great America with the best friends. Waiting over an hour for the Whizzer, screaming on Viper, Superman, Iron Wolf, Raging Bull, and sharing funnel cake.

- A Sox game, a Cubs game, and a Sox-Cubs game. Seeing multiple drunk morons run on the field at US Hellular, one attacking the ump. Then Sammy Sosa getting busted for cork at Wrigley. Back to US Smellular, where we happened to catch the only game the Sox lost at home to the Cubs, while Cubs fans and Sox fans in our section kept getting kicked out for fighting each other.

- Lion's Head, Cherry Red, and Blu. Seems like the only times I see certain friends these days are at bars. I miss you guys, we should really hang out more outside.

- Good movies: Matrix Reloaded, X-men United, Seabiscuit, and some others I forget at the moment. Bad movies: Too many, among others, probably my least enjoyable was the Hulk

- 4th of July Barbeque at Cindy's in P-tine. 40's, brats, Pictionary. The only bad part was Billy Krotch blowing the Sox game in the 9th. Also worth mentioning was the recent Sushi night at Cindy's in Chicago. Much props for being a consistently excellent and generous host, Cindy.

- Thursday nights at Cubby Bear, $1 domestics. Turned into a Lambda thing after a while, so I stopped going. But it was good at the beginning of the summer, reminded me of the old crazy times with Andy and Will during freshman year of college. The best was them scaring the hell out of the racist white girl on the dance floor. Followed closely by the time me and Dave Chan whooped on them in Blitz arcade.

- Home run derby at DGS. A nice sunny Saturday afternoon, Anuj with a bucket of baseballs, the batting practice pitcher's screen, and just hitting away for a couple hours. More and more I cherish the opportunities to do these kinds of things and forget about everything else for a day.

Well, there's probably a few more that I missed, but just writing all those down puts me in a better mood. One more month left, time to step it up...

Cheeseburgers

I just ate 3 McDonald's cheeseburgers. 2 more are waiting for me in the fridge. I must say, they were quite good. The tastiness has inspired me to rate the various cheeseburgers I have eaten:

McDonald's - Great all-around cheeseburger. Nothing special about the bun, patty, American cheese, and slice of pickle, but it's well put together. Simplicity is its charm. One is not enough to satisfy as a meal, but when the price drops to 49 cents, it's a tough one to beat.

White Castle - A decent offering, but somewhat languishes in the shadow of its more popular older brother, the White Castle hamburger. The bun-cheese-meat distribution needs some fine tuning, but it's still worth eating, especially in combination with a few of those beloved original Sliders.

Burger King - It's hard to understand how a place that calls itself "Burger King" could produce one of the pussiest cheeseburgers out there. If not for the quality Whopper, one seriously wonders whether it's even worth going to BK any more these days. Although the patty is relatively thick and well cooked, it hardly belongs in the embrace of vomit-inducing cheese and such an awful bun. How bread could be both mushy and flaky is beyond me, but such is exactly the case with the bun of this inferior sandwich. Unlike the McDonald's cheeseburger, the BK cheeseburger severely lacks identity; it doesn't serve well as cheap fast food, nor does it belong with the more expensive cheeseburgers. And certainly it should not be considered except in very desperate situations.

T.G.I.Friday's - When you go to a sit-down place and pay more than you do at fast food joints, it's reasonable to expect a significantly higher quality of cheeseburger. Well, it's safe to say that the folks at Friday's do not disappoint. With a generous selection of toppings, various types of cheese, and a thick juicy patty cooked to order, few cheeseburger lovers will have difficulty finding a combination to their liking. Solid and well built in every aspect.

Chili's - At first glance, appears quite similar to the Friday's cheeseburger. Unfortunately, despite having most of the same toppings and cheeses to choose from, Chili's patties are often under or overcooked in relation to the eater's request. Though the cheeseburger has potential to be excellent, the lack of consistency in its preparation leaves much to be desired.

Murphy's (Green St. Champaign) - Arguably the best cheeseburgers (or any burgers, for that matter) to be found down at U of I. Great by itself, but even greater when combined with free fries on Sundays. Simply a delight to the senses and highly recommended for anybody, at any given time.

Fuddruckers - Nothing special can really be said about the cheeseburgers at Fuddruckers. As is the case with this restaurant in general, customization is the key specialty. No complaints with the choices of patty size, which is not an option at other venues, but otherwise, the cheeseburger is average at best.

Taste of Chicago (forgot the name) - A well known staple of the Taste is the incessant yet entertaining hollering of "cheeseburger-cheeseburger-cheeseburger". But unlike the big-ass turkey legs, these are not considered "must-eats" for the yearly visit. The bun is reminiescent of the Burger King travesty, but is not quite as terrible. However, this cheeseburger is severely overrated and most are advised to save their tickets for beer.

*****

While waiting at the drive-thru to get my McDonald's cheeseburgers today, I was stuck behind this lady who decided to be retarded. She tried to order 10 cheeseburgers, but was told that the limit was 5. Her reaction was "you gotta be kidding me. I'm in a cast! I can't walk! Let me speak to your manager!!" I thought I was passionate about cheeseburgers, but the fury of this woman was scary. I wonder what her reasoning was, that being in a cast entitled her to berate a helpless employee, through the drive-thru intercom, expecting to have the company policy of the largest restaurant fast-food chain bent to her desires, while people like me had to sit there and wait. Well, eventually she gave up and just settled for 5. I wanted to grab a bat and pound in her windshield, but I'm pretty sure she got plenty of spit and armpit hairs in her food so it's all good.

*****

Wow, just saw Jose Valentin jack his 3rd in a row. Sox are playing such good baseball, I wonder how long it can last. Apparently Kirk Hinrich and Nick Collison had to check out the action for themselves in person. Well, what else is there to do in Kansas City? I wonder why they are there anyways, crazy white kids.

*****

Simpson's quote of the day: "Szechuan eh? No wonder she's so spicy! rrrrrrr" - Bart

Currently playing on my Winamp: White Stripes - We're Gonna Be Friends
I love this song. It's so pleasant and happy, puts me in a good mood.

come now oh my star is fading the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament optically perfect (99.9%) airborne contaminants surprising but cute but time is on your side its on your side now double star local trigger like a carousel up down and around it's no cause for concern 100% made in the U.S.A. not black and white most dramatic person 6-3 stuck on the end of this ball and chain and i'm on my way back down again kana %Reading+%Range giles gone wild say what you mean but it won't change a thing sick of the secrets received their reward in full polymer chains a thug changes love changes best friends become strangers Gateway no thanks no time but i sent you away what shall we say then? transportability matrix you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth blank canvas taipei USC full scale meat taco current call lager home plate and our lives are forever changed national party Dominate word bone scan sleeping bag believe in me VQ35 rated rookie have a hug dynamic host blue monster perkins finish last loud warble tone by open field parking carpet green CV cotton gap puppy church tha mc embers never fade city by the lake shark jack accelerator got the afternoon perfect rain whatever halftime silver underneath court mariachi band 168 wedge must be more moment that is mine how come Spot you came along and you cut me loose