Layoffs

One thing I've started to notice lately is that I am a little too popular. Most people think that you can never have too many friends, but actually, over-popularity can be problematic. It's like the episode of Simpsons when they get a pool and Lisa becomes popular. Then Martin (the nerdy kid) gets a better pool and ends up with so many friends that his pool bursts. It's a lot like that, yah.

So, I have decided to start laying off friends. This means you would be removed from my Pocket PC list of contacts, your phone number would be erased from my cell phone, and if you have a blog/xanga page, I'd have to delete my bookmark to it and stop checking for updates. Of course, you would still be allowed to contact me by phone or email, and I would be happy to be a reference or write a recommendation for you to get a new friend to replace me. However, the layoff process requires that we no longer hang out together in person.

If you happen to be among the laid-off, please don't take it too hard. It's nothing personal, the decisions on who to cut were purely practical and professional, rest assured. Among the major factors I considered:

- Distance: Logically, people who live/work closer to me have the advantage over those who are far. It's only reasonable. Those of you close to me in P-town, consider yourselves fortunate.

- Race: Taiwanese friends obviously have the edge over non-Taiwanese. In general, the yellower you are, the better chance you have of avoiding this wave of layoffs.

- Common Interests: For example, if we can craft together, work out together, or are in the same fantasy baseball league, those kinds of things are considered.

- Benefits: Things like getting me a discount at Best Buy or hooking me up with pirated movies/software count for significant plus points.

- Contact History: If you have been keeping up with me regularly by email/phone calls/IM/etc., your efforts have not gone unnoticed! Now is the time when you finally reap the fruits of your labor.

- Social Status: You don't have to be super rich to hang with me, but let's face it: nobody likes to be friends with someone who's really poor. If you don't have any money, then sorry, I guess you're out of luck.

Other than that, official policy also exempts immediate family members from being laid off. So if you happen to be my mom, dad, or sister, then you don't have to worry about this.

Again, if you get a layoff notification from me in the coming days, don't be too down. It's tough for me to let go, but the circumstances really force me to cut personnel, as hard as it may be. But, if more friendship positions open up in the future, you will definitely be among the first to be considered.

Best,

Joe

* The preceding blog was a joke. I know a lot of you reading were getting worried about losing me, but I'm not really gonna lay off anyone. Yes, each and every one of you are my friend for life! I just felt like writing something different in my blog. And the idea of laying off friends amuses me.

So yeah, I do think the more friends, the better. I don't go out of my way to meet new people anymore, but that's one thing I miss most about college - being able to meet new friends on a regular basis, without ever having to put effort into it.

"More friends! More allies! More, I say!"