Lowered Expectations

If you ever watched the old school seasons of MadTV, you might remember a recurring skit called "Lowered Expectations". Basically it was like a dating service for really desperate people, so the candidates were all like prison convicts on death row, crazy psychos, or old wrinkly fat people. It was funny. By the way, those old seasons of MadTV were some of the most quality entertainment ever done in my opinion. There's a ton of hilarious stuff they came up with, at a time when SNL was pretty weak. If they released it as a DVD, I'd definitely buy it.

So that skit isn't really what I was gonna write about, but I thought I might as well explain the origin of my title. Anyways, I was just thinking more about the key to happiness, as I often do. And it's been discussed before, in this blog and plenty elsewhere, that if you set your expectations too high, you are never going to be happy. I think there's a Sheryl Crow song that says "It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you got". Even though it's Sheryl Crow, it kind of expresses the same idea.

If this school of thought were true, then I would need to heavily reevaluate my expectations of life, and think hard about what is important to me. Off the top of my head, some of my most desired goals in life are as follows (in no particular order): own a nice house, get married to a beautiful wife that loves me and treats me well, have 2 or 3 healthy and productive children, drive an M5, run a successful corporation. These are all things that I either consciously or subconsciously work towards, and provide me with some direction and reason for life.

Being an engineer, my first nerdy approach to these situations is to analyze it with the typical set of "engineer questions". What can I improve? Which things are necessary and why do I need them? Can I cut out anything? Can I replace it with something else? What are the tradeoffs involved? What's it gonna cost me, and is it worth the cost?

Applying these questions to the short list above, I end up more confused than before. Like, why specifically do I want an M5? A lot of people would be happy with a lesser car like the G35, perhaps. Or, what's the definition of a "nice" house? Does it have to be huge and "Cribs"-worthy, or just warm, safe, and in a good location? And if I can't have a wife that's both beautiful and treats me well, does she really have to be beautiful? If so, how beautiful? If I could choose between an 8 that treats me like dirt, or a 6 that cooks, cleans, lets me watch baseball all day, and bears me 2 or 3 good kids, who should I choose? These questions just bring on more questions, which is the last thing I need.

It seems like every time I try to write a blog with these kinds of challenging issues, I come away without much progress. It's part of the reason why lately, I just try to keep my entries simple and avoid the deep thinking. But once in a while, the need to take on tough questions still strikes me hard.

I don't know why old TV shows are on my mind today, but right now I'm reminded of the "Mindy and Buttons" series on Animaniacs. The girl Mindy always ends up talking to some random person she meets, and keeps asking the question "Why?" over and over until the person runs out of answers and finally flips out. Then she goes "Okay I love you bye-bye" and runs off. Sometimes I wish I could be so cheerful, so blissfully ignorant when I run out of answers to my own questions.

Unfortunately, I was not born with the capability to take bliss in ignorance. If I was Neo in the Matrix, I would always make the same choice he did and take the blue pill (or is it red? I forget). I need answers to my questions, no matter the costs or risks associated with obtaining them.

A few nights ago, Olivia asked me what one thing I would improve about myself, if I had the opportunity. After thinking about it for a while, my answer was, I wish I could be smarter. The reason being, there's nothing I hate more than feeling like I am limited by my own lack of brainpower. Other people might wish for being more athletic, a better smoothtalker, a prettier face, a kinder and more compassionate heart, a better sense of humor, or having a larger member. I guess none of that matters as much to me as having unlimited mental aptitude. Like, even though I know the SAT doesn't really measure how smart you are, I still always remember my exact score - not because I was proud of how I did, but because I was so pissed off at myself for missing a perfect score by 30 points. A rare time in my life when I can recall being seriously mad about something. Since I feel like I put every effort I could into shooting for a flawless victory, it was one of the most frustrating feelings I've ever experienced, to be humbled and know that I could give everything I had and still come up short.

Anyways, back to the original topic. Can you really become more happy by lowering your expectations? Well, it would make sense, but then the more fundamental question is, can you just tell yourself to lower your expectations? After some thought, I think the answer is no. Telling yourself to not expect something that you already do, is like trying to "forget" how to read or ride a bike. It just doesn't happen that way, unless you somehow choose to be ignorant of your own thoughts and feelings. And as I already mentioned, I'm not a person who can ever be satisfied with being ignorant.

I guess that means that if your expectations in life are impossibly high, you're pretty much screwed because there's no turning back. The only way your expectations are going to come down is if you get hit with a dose of reality, and those are usually painful and reduce happiness. But hey, if you go through life thinking that you deserve nothing less than Britney Spears as your wife, you're probably better off getting rejected by some ugly girls at the bar a few times, to cut your expectations down to size.

In that case, maybe the key to maximum happiness is not to lower your existing expectations, but to keep your expectations in check in the first place. It's fine to have lofty goals, as long as they are reasonably attainable. So you have to maintain a balance between idealism and realism. Because the thing is, you might not necessarily be able to tell yourself to be happy, but you definitely can't be happy unless you allow yourself to be. Expectations are definitely important to your overall happiness in that respect. And right now, I'm just hoping that mine aren't too high as it is. I'd hate to have to experience some painful doses of reality...