My Real World Application

(Note: If it's not already patently obvious to you, THE FOLLOWING ENTRY IS A JOKE. I apologize in advance if nobody thinks it's funny, but I had fun writing it, so that's why I'm posting it.)

We often wonder why in so many years of Real World, MTV has yet to cast an Asian guy in any of its seasons. But I realized that probably none of us have ever really done anything about it. So I decided to put together an application that might finally help us (meaning male Asians) break through to MTV. See below

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Dear MTV Producers:

I have been an avid fan of the Real World for many seasons now, mainly because of how accurately it portrays the life of a young adult in America. I think I speak for all of my peers when I say that all of us can truly relate to the setup of your show.

We all know exactly what it's like to have a job handed to us, without ever having to apply for it or show any semblance of qualifications beforehand. It's also pretty standard for us to live in a posh house that is decked out with the most luxurious furnishings (short of the stripper poles that the rappers in Cribs have, of course).

But what makes your show the most worthwhile, in my opinion, is the tremendous effort that your producers make to incorporate diversity into each cast. Other than the fact that every season centers around one or two "alpha-male" Caucasian characters (Brad from SD, Steven from LV, Danny from Austin, MJ from Philly to name a few), to go with the Caucasian, preferably blonde and hopefully attractive, but more importantly, slutty females that desire them (Cameron from SD, Trishelle from LV, Melinda from Austin, and Sarah from Philly), the show's diversity is truly admirable.

Without Real World, I would have never been introduced to such characters as the big angry black man (David from New Orleans), the not as big but just as angry black man (Steven from Seattle), the dorky angry black man (Adam from Paris), the angry black man that looks like Dee Brown (Nehemiah from Austin), and the surprisingly gay but, you guessed it, angry black man (Karamo from Philadelphia). It's not just black men who are angry in the show, though. We've also witnessed the domineering angry black woman (Coral) and the crazy psycho lesbian angry black woman (Aneesa) as well, which is important to know.

However, if there is one shortcoming to the Real World, it is the considerable lack of Asian cast members on the show. Although we have seen a few of them so far (my count is 2.5 with Janet from Seattle, Jamie from SD, and Christina from Paris), it is hardly a complete representation of the Asian race. For one, all three of the above are Korean (Christina being half-German as well), and beyond that, all three of them are female.

In my opinion, what your show desperately needs is a real Asian male representative cast member. And yes, as you may have guessed by now, I would like to offer myself, a Chinese-American male in his mid-20's, to be a part of your next cast.

If you haven't already tossed this application to the trash heap after reading that last sentence, let me just assure you that I have a lot more to offer MTV and the Real World than you may expect. If you select me as a cast member, I promise to make your next season of Real World the greatest ever.

For starters, my exceptionally charismatic personality, stinging sense of humor, and devastating good looks alone would most likely make me an instant star with your audiences. But in spite of those facts, my ultimate goal is much grander than simply generating a greater fan base and boosting Nielsen ratings.

I will make it my mission to broaden the scope of what the American public typically sees of Asian people in this country, which, if I dare say, is terribly limited if not completely inaccurate. In short, I wish to show everybody, through my presence on your show, that we (the Asian race) are much more than the quiet, exotic looking creatures that are generally content to blend into the social fabric of our country.

You might ask, "how"? Well, the ways are many, but to give you an idea of some of the things I could do on the show to enlighten your viewers:

1. Frequently talk about math.

Not many people know this, but Asians are good at math. I, for one, was on my high school's math team, went through 4 years of engineering curriculum in college, and have worked for the past 3 years as an electronics engineer. You can't do all that and not be good at math!

Anyways, I figure that instead of hooking up with hot chicks, or getting into fights at the bar, it would be cool to practice solving differential equations or something like that. And you never have to worry about getting arrested for doing integrals, which is nice. Nobody likes to see cast members getting hauled off to jail by the local cops, when that stuff happens it's just an embarrassment to the vaunted Real World franchise.

2. Eat lots of rice, with chopsticks.

Another little known fact is that Asians like rice. Actually, I'm pretty sure we invented rice, like maybe back in the 60's or something. And we don't use just forks or spoons to eat it - we use chopsticks. That may not seem like a big detail, but it's a crucial aspect of our culture that should not be overlooked.

Just the other day I was watching an episode of RW: Austin when Johanna was chowing down on some brats. How boring is that? So for me, when everyone else on the show is using forks to eat "salads" or "pasta casserole", I'll be the one scooping rice into my mouth with chopsticks.

As an added bonus, I know all the words to the song "Got Rice?", which is basically a 2Pac song with the lyrics changed to reflect AZN pride. So, in an ideal situation, you have a potential scene where I could be eating rice, with chopsticks, while singing "Got Rice?". Triple bonus!

3. Practice Kung-fu in the house

If you pay attention to the roles that Asian actors tend to get in Hollywood, it's surprising that none of them seem to ever reflect our proud heritage of Martial Arts. We're always cast as the sex symbol in romantic comedies, which is fine, but so limiting. Nobody seems to realize that Asians can also do jump kicks and fly from treetop to treetop, when that's one of our greatest assets.

So to make people more aware of our skills, I'll make sure to practice my Kung-fu around the house for everyone (and the cameras) to see. Unfortunately, I don't have a black belt in anything, but I have taken some classes in Karate and Judo and that should be good enough. Nobody will know the difference anyways, right?

4. Walk around with a crouch (to give appearance of being short)

While I respect Yao Ming's basketball skills as much as the next guy, his rise to fame has unfortunately led everyone in America to mistakenly believe that all Asians are super tall. It's an annoying stereotype, because I constantly have to deal with questions from my non-Asian friends like "Dudo, you're Chinese aren't you? How come you're not 7-foot-5?"

The fact is, there are a lot of short Asian people that are even smaller than me (I'm about 5'11 to 6' myself). The viewers of Real World need to realize this, so I plan on walking around with really bad posture for the 3 months I'm in the house. If there was an easier way to demonstrate that Asian people are not tall, I'd be all for it. But someone needs to show America the truth, and I'd gladly sacrifice my spinal well being to do so.

There's much more I could add to the above list, like wearing my thick glasses, watching Japanese anime, or singing Ricky Martin songs on Karaoke. But I think I've listed enough examples to point out some of the key elements that have been missing from Real World for so many years, due to the lack of male Asian cast members.

Hopefully the above has shown you the importance of including someone like myself in the next season of Real World. I urge you to consider my application seriously. Don't make me have to tree-hop my way over there and jump kick you!